Brian's surfing chat rooms again. The phone rings, Brian answers it; apparently, he's got a buddy coming over. Brian gives his address, saying, "It should take you about ten minutes to get here -- one for every inch." There's a knock at the door, and it's Michael. Brian asks how dinner went: "Did Debbie and Vic scare him away?" Yeah, you wish. Mike says that Vic and Debbie were on their best behavior. "That's even scarier," Brian says. He tries to get Mikey out of there because he's got someone coming over in "approximately seven and a half inches." Brian's too much of a grasping, bleeding arsehole this episode, and all I want to do is shove him really, really hard. Ugh. Brian tells him that he'll see Mike tomorrow at Studs and Suds. Michael says that he came over to tell Brian that he can't go -- David invited him to his cabin for the weekend. Brian sneers that the Boys were right -- flowers, dinner, and now a weekend getaway. Mike worries that Brian's mad. Arrrrghhhhh! Gah! Gah! Brian sneers, "I mean, who wants to be on a crowded dance floor surrounded by naked men covered in soap suds when you could be breathing all that fresh country air?" All that fresh air with a really hunky guy that likes you. No contest. Mike has this weird, passing-gas, pinched expression on his face again. What the hell is that? Brian's such a prick. God.
The phone rings again. Brian thinks it's his trick, and saunters to the phone, figuring the guy's gotten lost. Just to remind Mikey how cool it is living vicariously through Brian, he tells whoever's on the other end that he has this new dildo, and explains exactly what he plans to do with it. I'm not going to transcribe, because I'm done humoring Brian and his trashy-ass behavior. Mikey half-heartedly snarks that Brian should consider a career in phone sales. Ha. Ha. Ha. Brian shoos Mike away. The phone rings again. This time it IS the trick. Brian's like, huh? Didn't you just call? Meanwhile, at the Taylor Manse, Craig lowers the phone, and stews in the middle of the living room. So, to sum up, he got Brian's little sex chat, so not only does he know that Justin's sleeping with this man, but that this man is sleeping with other men, which means he doesn't really care about Justin, and plus, Brian's a vulgar turd. But I'm sure Craig can work through this. Not.
At his apartment, Mike calls the Big Q Mart and pretends that his back is acting up again, but that it should be better in a couple of days. He's all hunched over on the phone, just in case they can see him or something. I don't know. He's not that bright. Halfway through the call, Emmett walks out with two shirts, and loudly asks Mike which one he likes better. Mike shushes him. "Oh, no," Mike tells his supervisor, "I definitely plan on seeing my chiropractor." Ha. Ha. Ha. Ted, eating cereal in the kitchen, shakes his head: "You know what grows when you lie." Emmett drawls, "Unfortunately, it's your nose." I have to start that petition for The Ted and Emmett Show. Emmett's being a sweetie and helping Mike pack. Mike's packed like five pairs of everything. For a weekend trip. Geez, and I thought I was bad. Ted sighs, walks up to the bag, pulls out a change of underwear, a pack of condoms, and a tube of lube, and hands them to Mike. "There," Ted says, "You're all set." Exactly. Emmett's wearing his "Queens College" t-shirt from the premiere episode. I want that shirt, man. Emmett's cool. Of course, if I wear it, people will just think I went there. Mike goes on a tangent about Atlantic City and saltwater taffy. Emmett accuses him of getting cold feet; Mike whines that he isn't getting cold feet, he just doesn't know what you do for a whole weekend.