At his apartment, Mike calls the Big Q Mart and pretends that his back is acting up again, but that it should be better in a couple of days. He's all hunched over on the phone, just in case they can see him or something. I don't know. He's not that bright. Halfway through the call, Emmett walks out with two shirts, and loudly asks Mike which one he likes better. Mike shushes him. "Oh, no," Mike tells his supervisor, "I definitely plan on seeing my chiropractor." Ha. Ha. Ha. Ted, eating cereal in the kitchen, shakes his head: "You know what grows when you lie." Emmett drawls, "Unfortunately, it's your nose." I have to start that petition for The Ted and Emmett Show. Emmett's being a sweetie and helping Mike pack. Mike's packed like five pairs of everything. For a weekend trip. Geez, and I thought I was bad. Ted sighs, walks up to the bag, pulls out a change of underwear, a pack of condoms, and a tube of lube, and hands them to Mike. "There," Ted says, "You're all set." Exactly. Emmett's wearing his "Queens College" t-shirt from the premiere episode. I want that shirt, man. Emmett's cool. Of course, if I wear it, people will just think I went there. Mike goes on a tangent about Atlantic City and saltwater taffy. Emmett accuses him of getting cold feet; Mike whines that he isn't getting cold feet, he just doesn't know what you do for a whole weekend.
Emmett: Well, first you arrive.
Ted: Then you fuck.
Emmett: Then you unpack.
Ted:: Then you fuck.
Emmett: Then you go berry-picking.
Ted: Then you fuck.
Mike wants to know what you do after sex. Or between sex. Or if there's no sex. Emmett tells him that you get to know each other, and Mike freaks out. What if he runs out of things to say? What if he says something stupid and Dr. Dave decides that inviting him away for the weekend was a mistake? What if he decides that he doesn't like Mike? I'm thinking that's where all the sex comes in handy, but Emmett and Ted say that it's obvious that Dr. Dave "more than likes him." They're all quietly in awe at the unseen presence of love. Ooooh. Emmett tells Mike to go: "And you have a fabulous time. And bring us back some berries."
The Happy Fun House. Lindsay and Brian are at the kitchen table. Brian's about to write a check for $2000 for something having to do with Gus. So, Lindsay and Melanie are raising the baby, but Brian chips in every once in a while, despite the fact that Melanie doesn't want him to help, and also despite the fact that since she's a lawyer and should be able to afford anything, you'd think she'd insist on it. Kind of makes Brian's point that he's only Gus's father when they need his money. Lindsay tells Brian that she loves him to death, and Brian grins, "You and Melanie really are after my life insurance." Lindsay kisses him on the cheek. Brian gripes that he barely has enough left for Studs and Suds. Odd segue. Nothing new. Moving on. Lindsay asks him whether he's going with Michael. Awkward dialogue. Nothing new. Moving on. Brian tells her that Michael's going away for the weekend with Dr. Dave, except that Brian calls him "the proctologist." Cute. Lindsay corrects him, and says that it sounds romantic: "Peaceful walks, cozy fire." Brian retorts, "Stepping in bear shit, stung by mosquitoes. I guarantee that after two days of that, he'll wish he was back here with me at Babylon." Yes, because it's much more fun to watch you get laid than for him to get laid himself, right? Lindsay opines that Mike might like the change of pace: "It might be nice for him to hang out with someone who wants to be with him for a change." Brian interrupts that he told Mike that he was happy that he was seeing Dr. Dave, because it was time for Mike to stop cruising, settle down, and grow up. Lindsay tells Brian he's full of shit: "You can't imagine why two people would want to be together, can you?" Be together, yes. Stay together, no. Lindsay continues, "It's called not wanting to be alone. Knowing that you're loved. Apparently a lot of us need that. Including Michael." She asks Brian to promise her that he won't fuck it up for Michael. Brian just rolls his eyes and walks out.