Brian's. Brian lets Debbie in and she snaps, "You've ruined my kid's life!" Brian replies, raising an eyebrow, "What, no hello kiss?" Debbie says that she means it. Brian offers her a drink. Debbie asks for something "fizzy." Brian rolls his eyes and heads to the fridge. Debbie babbles on about the first time she heard Brian's name, when he and Mike were fourteen. "For weeks, that's all [Mike] could talk about. Brian Kinney this, and Brian Kinney that." Weeks? Deb, we're working on decade three, here. Keep up. She continues, "And then the next thing I knew, you were cutting classes. And then I come home from work one day, and there you were, fourteen and drunk. It was then that I knew you were trouble. And you haven't disappointed me a day since then." Brian, handing her a drink, snarks, "Well, at least you can't accuse me of being inconsistent." Debbie snorts, "Consistent heartbreak!" Brian says that she knows that he's always been there for Mike, and Debbie replies, "You've been there too much! Always giving him those little extra tidbits of your affection, huh? To make him think that maybe, someday, you'd be his." Brian sighs, "Who knows, maybe we'll end up a couple of old queens in Palm Springs." Hmm. Maybe that's been Brian's plan all along? Debbie asks what Mike's supposed to do until then. Brian says that Mike wasn't having any fun with Doc Dave, and Debbie shrieks that Mike has had enough fun: "You've all had enough fun! It's time for him to be a man!" And as a man, shouldn't he be allowed to make his own decisions and live with them? Just saying. Brian asks her what she expects him to do about it, and she yells, "I don't know! Something! You owe my kid something!" Just not seeing it. Sorry. Brian says, okay, he'll do something: "It's Mikey's thirtieth birthday. He should have a party he never forgets." Famous last words, methinks.
A sex-novelty store called "Seduction." Ted and Melanie are hanging out, looking for a birthday present for Michael. Melanie's twisting the penis on a mannequin gussied up in a leather harness. Now, there's a metaphor. Melanie says something about it being able to "lift and separate." Ted says that it sounds like the I-Can't-Believe-It's-A-Bra. Melanie shrugs, "Same principle. It's the I-Can't Believe-It's-A-Harness." That's the best you could come up with? Ted shakes his head: "I can't see Michael trussed up like a turkey." Melanie wants to know what they're doing there, then. Ted grins, "Michael's one of my best friends. I can't let his thirtieth birthday go by without getting him something cheap and demeaning." Melanie suggests a box of ben-wa balls, and Ted snorts, "Well, he is a bit of a tight-ass." Look. Who's. Talking. Ted wonders what Brian will give Mike, and Melanie snaps, "If he's lucky, a farewell fuck, once and for all...after all, it is something he wants, but would never get for himself." "Would," or "could"? Melanie picks up a rotating vibrator and asks what Ted thinks; Ted thinks that Michael already has one. Melanie meant for her and Lindsay. Ted shakes his head: "That's not my area." Melanie says, "It hasn't been mine, lately, either." Ted nods, "Well, after a woman gives birth, it may take several months before she feels sexual again." Melanie groans, "I really wish you'd stop reading Redbook." Ted corrects her, "McCall's. The sex tips are better. Did you know that there are ten ways to please a man without opening your mouth?" Only ten? Melanie replies, shaking her head, "It's not just the sex. I don't know, I feel like she's shutting me out." Ted sighs that he doesn't want to hear it: "The minute you start telling your friends your relationship problems, it's the beginning of the end." Ted tells her to go to a shrink; Melanie says she's been in therapy for six years. Isn't six years the same amount of time she and Lindsay have been together? Interesting. And isn't everyone always asking me why I'm skeptical of therapy? Very, very interesting. Ted asks her if she's covered by insurance, and when she says she is, he snorts, "Great. Then have a breakdown. You can afford it." Melanie...yeah, get this, Melanie replies, "You're so negative!" Ted sighs, "From your lips to God's ears." A cell phone rings, and they both grab for theirs. It's Ted's, and Medic Guy has called to give him good news. Once off the phone, Ted whispers in relief, "I'm negative." "That's okay," Melanie replies, patting him on the shoulder, "happy people can be really annoying." How the hell would she know?