Sauna Guy Two and Naked Guy start pawing each other, looking straight at Brian the whole time. Brian casually gets up in mid-conversation and walks out. Two and Naked follow him. Mike is left alone, shaking his head and contemplating his chiropractic sexlessness, when he should be thinking about what an ass his best friend is.
At the clinic, Emmett slow dances with the skeleton (nice bit of foreshadowing, there) while Ted nervously sits on the examination table. Emmett asks him how he could have "lapsed." Ted says that he wasn't thinking. Emmett replies, "I always have condoms, spermicidal lubricant --" Ted jumps in, "A bottle of hydrogen peroxide and witch hazel. Great. So, you're the Safe Sex poster boy, and I'm the Happy Hooker." Uh, hydrogen peroxide and witch hazel? Do I even want to know? Emmett says, "You have to be careful. I'm serious! If anything happened to you...you're too important to me." In walks the cutest medic in the world, all tall and broad-shouldered, but not overly so. I'm in such a bad mood, I'm not even going to bother to pause tape to check him out. Emmett starts provocatively chewing on a tongue depressor. The medic smiles, and asks Emmett if he's been there before. Emmett hasn't, and says that he's just there for moral support, since he makes it a point to get tested every six months. "Which is silly, really," he adds, "because most of my sex is cyber." We're aware. After Medic Guy draws his blood, he asks what Emmett's insurance sitch is, and Emmett says that he'll pay by check: "Name, phone number, address, right across the top." How convenient. Ted snaps at them both about getting on with the whole thing. Medic Guy assures Ted that he'll be fine. Emmett says that that's exactly what he told him. Ted looks like he's about to kill himself.
At Debbie's, Debbie hands Justin two Kleenex boxes to go put in his room. I wonder what he could possibly want with all that tissue. Hmmm? What do you think? Mike snaps, "My room!" because he's five. Debbie tells him to chill, because he's not five, he's almost thirty. Behind Debbie's back, Justin mouths, "So old!" to Mike, who grumbles, "Don't remind me." Mike drops a packet of pills in front of Vic, who's sitting at the table. Debbie asks what those are, because Vic just got a refill, and Vic replies, "Those pills don't go far when you're popping fifty a day." Mike tells him that his refills have run out, and Vic says that he'll call his doctor. "Speaking of Doctors --" Debbie starts. Mike snorts, "That's a subtle segue." Well, it is for this show. Mike says that he doesn't want to talk about it, and anyway, it's none of her business. Debbie snaps, "I just lost a potential son-in-law." Mike frowns, "All you lost was free treatment for osteoporosis." Debbie gasps, "Michael Charles Novotny!" Middle name time. Trouble. As Vic gets out of the way, Debbie grasps Mike's face with both hands and shrieks, "Do not fuck this up. Now, I want you to call David right now, and apologize for whatever it is that you did." Mike says that he didn't do anything: "David and I had nothing in common except Pantene shampoo and conditioner in one, and I had to give up my entire life. I couldn't see my friends, I couldn't go to clubs." Vic snorts, "Good. Get out before they kick you out. Before you turn invisible." Debbie tells Mike to listen to Vic: "Do you want to turn out like him?" Vic pulls off his glasses in outrage. Debbie says that he knows what she means, and then turning back to her son, continues, "Listen, in a few days, you're not going to be a kid anymore, hanging out with Brian." Mike wants to know why it always has to be about Brian, and Debbie replies, "You tell me. I mean, David really cared for you. You could see it in his eyes." She tries to get Vic's support, but Vic says that he was too busy looking at David's chest. Mike sighs that he'll find someone else, and Debbie retorts, "There will always be someone else! But there won't be someone like David every day." Mike crumples a shopping bag and stomps out.