Queer as Folk U.S.
Surprise!

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Surprise!

Hey, Mandy Patinkin's back! Maybe he and Harvey Fierstein are the finalists in some sort of QaF Co-Host Pageant. I vote for Harvey, man. Harvey all the way. Nothing but love for you, Mandy, but Harvey's going to look way better in the tiara.

The Boys stroll down Liberty Avenue after work. Brian has an arm slung around Mike's shoulder, and he points to an old bug-eyed leather queen walking towards them, and says, "See that guy? He just turned thirty." Ha. Ha. Ha. Emmett tells Mike not to listen: "You look like you're ten." Brian laughs that an odd thing happens when you turn thirty: "Your ass falls down to here and your dick disappears." If that's true, then Brian's thirtieth should be cause for world celebration. As they enter the Diner, Ted asks, "Well, what does that make me?" Aside from really stupid for setting himself up like that, that is. Brian starts looking around, and frowns, "Did somebody hear something? Like a voice from the dead?" Mike whines that it's a good thing he didn't move in with David: "I don't know how much time I have left." Somebody's watched Logan's Run one too many times. Ted asks whether Mike's going to miss all that wonderful "chiropractic sex," and Mike retorts that the sex wasn't that great. Ted and Emmett remember differently, while Brian tries to figure out a way to change the subject again. Mike nods his head and agrees, yeah, okay, the sex was great, "but it gets boring, you know, with the same person." Great sex gets boring. Got it. Mike continues, "Now, I'm ready to go out and do all those things you can't do with a boyfriend -- you know, go to the clubs, go out dancing." Ted adds, "Go home alone." Mike's face falls a little. Brian calls out past Mike's shoulder, "Hey, busboy!" Zoom in on Justin, busing a table across the diner. Justin, mouth wide open again, flips Brian off. Which, come to think it, is probably the last time that'll ever happen. The whole table, except Mike, laughs. Brian orders Justin to bring them some water. Debbie saunters over, chuckling. And because I know you want to know, her t-shirt has a drawing of a headless figure on it, with "Need head?" written underneath. Terrifying. Mike grumpily asks what Justin's doing in the diner, and Debbie says that the customers love Justin: "His ass gets more compliments than the burgers." Ted snorts, "At least his buns are fresh." Debbie swats his shoulder with a furry pen. Absolutely terrifying. Justin returns with four glasses of water, and since he's carrying them with two hands, yes, his fingers are dipping into each glass. Gross. Mike snipes, "Living in my room at my mother's house, working where I eat -- I just can't get rid of you, can I?" Justin says that he should blame Brian; turns out that Justin's working to pay off the credit card bill from New York. Mike asks why Brian couldn't have just sent Justin to jail, and Debbie laughs, "This is worse." Whatever. Let's keep moving, shall we? So, Debbie stops chuckling and asks where David is, which makes no sense, because David doesn't hang out with them. Remember? He and Brian don't like each other? At any rate, because they're contractually bound to humor scripted expositional drivel, The Boys all look in different directions, and Mike mumbles, "I think he had a patient." Lame. Debbie's not buying it, but lets it go. She offers to get Emmett his favorite blueberry pancakes, and Emmett claps his hands in glee.

Cut to the pharmacy later on; Emmett's not so happy anymore. Holding his tummy, he burps and moans, "I shouldn't have had those pancakes. They're repeating more than I Love Lucy." They're at the pharmacy to refill Ted's Claritin, but see something they like better when a hunky guy passes them on the way to the pharmacist's counter. Ted's eyes go wide with recognition, and he tells Emmett that he had sex with that guy once. He relates the whole sordid tale: six months ago, Ted stopped by the market on his way to work to pick up some water because he hadn't gotten his prized Brita filter yet (to which Emmett interjects, "Okay, not every detail"). In a flashback, we see Ted reaching for the water inside the cooler, when this guy's arm snakes around his to get another bottle. Ted and Water Guy's eyes meet, as The Look of Homosexual Acknowledgement is exchanged and the cheesy pick-up begins. Next thing you know, Ted's getting screwed in the back of a Range Rover, and having a damn good time of it, too. Back in the present, Emmett muses, "I need to go into a phone booth and jerk off." Ted shrugs that it was late: "I probably looked good to him because he didn't have his contacts in." Oh, shut up, Ted. Emmett replies, "Honey, take it any way you can." Ted snickers, "Oh, I did." As they go up to the counter, they hear Water Guy asking the pharmacist how many times he's supposed to take his medicine. His protease-inhibiting medicine, that is. Didn't want to forget to tell you that. Now Ted's eyes go wide for another reason. Emmett prattles, "He must be positive. That's why he has such a good body. They put them on steroids, you know." Ted leans against a shelf, in shock. Emmett's like, you guys had safe sex, right? Ted's face pretty much answers that question.

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Queer as Folk U.S.

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