The hospital. Mike finds Mrs. Schmidt in the chapel, and gives her the food. Yes, Ted's still in a coma. Mrs. Schmidt says that Ted mentioned a Michael: "I asked him to tell me the name of one special friend, and he said, 'Well, there's a Michael.'" But I bet he didn't mean "special" the way I mean "special." She says that she's going to Ted's apartment after she sits with her son. Mike pales a little. She's going to get a pair of pajamas, if he wears them, because if he wakes up, he's going to need his pajamas. It's a mom thing, I guess.
When Mrs. Schmidt leaves, Mike grabs his cell and calls Emmett. Who, my god, works at a place called "Torso." Emmett's horrified, thinking that Mike's called him because Ted's dead. Mike tells him that Ted's not dead, but he's going to wish he was if he finds out that his mom went to his house. And finds his pornos. And the thirty-three dildoes the boys got him for his thirty-third birthday. What a thoughtful gift.
The Happy Fun House, a.k.a. Lindsay and Melanie's. Lindsay, holding Gus, opens the front door. It's Brian, all tricked out in a leather jacket, white t-shirt, and dark sunglasses. How very "Rebel without a Clue." I mean, "Cause." No, I mean "Clue." Brian says he doesn't have a lot of time; Lindsay replies that he has time to kiss his son, and Brian kisses him very sweetly on the forehead. Cute with the baby, again. KILLING ME, I tell you! This nice moment is obliterated by Melanie, coming down the stairs to tell Lindsay that the baby's bath is ready. She sees Brian. Brian sees her. LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE! Melanie: "Did we know he was coming?" What a bitch. Brian says no; Melanie snaps that, in the future, it would be nice of him to call first. Because she's a raving bitch. Brian steps in front of her and says that he doesn't care what Ted wants -- he's not doing it. All about Brian, I'm telling you. ["I have to break in here and say I find it highly unlikely that Ted would name Brian as his executor without, you know, telling him. Though the fact that Melanie, as Ted's counsel, would sign off on such a will points to the crappitude of her mad lawyering skillz." -- Wing Chun] Melanie scoffs; she told Ted Brian would be like this. God, I hate it when she makes me side with Brian! Brian says that Ted has a mother; Melanie counters by asking who would wish this on his mother. Brian says that Ted has better friends; Melanie snarls, "That's for goddamn sure!" St. Lindsay tries to break it up; Melanie snaps, "Was I the one that barged in here at bathtime? Was that me?" Because bathtime makes all the difference, right? And he didn't barge in, Lindsay, invited him in. You remember Lindsay? The other person who lives at the Happy Fun House? SHUT UP, MELANIE. Brian, too, has had enough: "Fuck bath time, and fuck you!" WORD. Melanie throws it right back at him. Brian: "Let's cut to the chase. Get someone else. His Mommy, or Michael, or Madonna. I don't care." Lindsay tells Brian that Ted chose him. Plus, you know, Madonna's a little busy right now. Brian says that Ted chose wrong. Melanie says that she told Ted, that, too. I really, really don't like her. Melanie, with all the love in her heart: "I said, 'Brian is not the person you want to be responsible for your life. He's a selfish, narcissistic little fucking faggot!'" Charming, isn't she. They should make more of her. And tie stones around their necks and drop them in the middle of the Atlantic. "And let me tell you something, it's not because you suck cock, it's because you're a little fucking coward!" she adds, before demanding that he get the hell out of their house. Brian looks at Lindsay, who looks down, because she's temporarily misplaced her spine. What am I saying, "temporarily"? Melanie stalks Brian to the door and then slams it behind him.