At Daphne's house, Justin is freaking out. His mom knows! Justin decides he's got to find Brian. Daphne, who can smell a contrived excuse as well as I can, asks him why. Justin says that Brian will know what to do. About what? Your mom knows you're gay. She apparently doesn't have a problem with it. I mean, there wasn't even yelling or threats of disowning involved. My mother had a worse reaction when I changed my hairstyle. Daphne, getting to the heart of the matter: "Like he cares." Word. Justin, replies, knowingly, "He wants me." Shut up, Justin. Daphne, instead of telling Justin he's a blithering idiot, asks him, politely, how he can tell. Justin: "Because I can. I'm going to live with him. I'm going to be with him. You'll see." Yeah, I know, it's hard to believe Justin's completely sober. He says she has to help him, Daphne tells him that she's grounded because she stayed out so late on Saturday. Daphne: "My mom said she'd better come home and find me reading Toni Morrison." Rent the movie instead. God, no, what am I saying? Buy the Cliff Notes. Justin gives her the "I'm a poor helpless little gay boy whose parents don't understand him, and I wasn't ready to come out yet, and it's no fun if I can't sneak around, please help MEEEE!!" look, which she buys, because she, too, is seventeen, and has no perspective and a deep need for drama. Daphne agrees to drive him to Brian's: "You do beat Beloved." ["He so does not, but whatever." -- Wing Chun] In the war between live drama and literary drama, live drama always wins. Here endeth the lesson.

Ted's condo. Mike rushes to the refrigerator for some reason, while Emmett nervously centers a lamp in the dining room. Mike tells him to knock it off and look for the dildoes. Mike starts pulling things out of the fridge -- "Poppers, cheddar, brie." Emmett replies, "I don't think there are particularly strong shame issues attached to cheese, Michael." Yeah, seriously, his Mom already knows he's gay. I don't think the brie is going to be too much of a shock. Mike shoos Emmett away to the bedroom, while he starts ransacking the drawers underneath the TV, where the porn lives. And...a tape of You've Got Mail. Michael: "He masturbates to Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks?" Ewww. A big black dildo hits him in the head. Emmett trills, "Found themmmm!" Mikey picks up the realistically shaped dildo just as Emmett jumps into frame, wielding another one. He and Mike start a Dildo Duel. Mikey gets his butt kicked, not to mention whacked a couple of times. Emmett even sits on him in triumph. Emmett rules! Then they go back to de-gaying the place, continuing on to Ted's bedroom. Mike looks through the drawers, while Emmett opens up the armoire -- and finds a shrine to Michael on the inside of the door. Pictures galore; all that's missing is a candle. Um...Michael's understandably disturbed.