Back at the hospital. Brian, Emmett and Mike peer apprehensively through the door as Brian's Next Conquest checks Ted's pulse. Seeing the boys, Hunky Nurse Guy draws the curtain around Ted's bed. Out in the hallway, Emmett wonders who drugged Ted in the first place. Mike figures it was probably Blake, since he'd been following Ted around all night. Emmett thinks maybe they should tell someone, but Brian's pretty emphatic responding, "No." Does Brian have plans of his own, or does he realize that any investigation in Blake's drug use is probably going to shed light on their own? Hmmmm, stay tuned. The conversation veering away from Brian's two favorite subjects -- sex and himself -- he pipes up, "You know, [Ted] was the first." Emmett and Mike look at him like, "First what?" Unless Ted was the youngest gym teacher in Pennsylvania at one time, Brian's lost us all. Brian explains, "The first almost-dead guy that I sort of had sex with." Mike's outraged once again. When did Brian have sex with Ted? I mean, how could it have happened if Mike wasn't there to interrupt it? Apparently it was the weekend JFK Jr's plane went missing. Emmett: "Oh, god, they kept showing that picture of him on the beach with his shirt off -- I didn't know whether to jerk off or to weep." The GM/SGWC snorts in agreement, nodding all around. Oh, wait, did we did we type that out loud? Mikey's practically frothing at the mouth, because he didn't get an invitation to this "semi-orgy." Brian tells him "it sort of just happened. Things do. It was Scott and Kevin and the Todds...." At the mention of the Todds, Emmett holds out his pinkie, and I nearly snort ginger ale out my nose. Brian continues, "Ted shows up with my taxes, and all of a sudden, we're doing it, and [Ted] even tried to fuck me." Brian's life is one big gay porno movie. No wonder Mike likes watching. Mike switches from being upset that he wasn't invited to being upset that Brian's explaining this in front of Ted's hospital room. Dude, you asked! Mike swings the subject back to Ted and the coma, saying it's really weird because "it could be" them. Brian: "No, it could not be us. Because we know better. We know better than to believe pretty blond boys telling us that 'it's really good shit' because that's what they all say. Ted didn't know that. And he didn't know that you only do drugs with your friends, because they're the only ones that give a fuck about you." I'm sorry, what has this person done with Brian Kinney? Jesus, he even affectionately grasps Emmett's and Mike's shoulders. Mike, too, seems to be wondering where his real best friend is. Not that there's any rush to return him. Please. Take your time.