Queer as Folk U.S.
Ted's Not Dead

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Ted's Not Dead

First the good news: Beau Bridges has not returned to give us the "previouslys." The bad news is that it looks like the random parade of out-of-work B-list stars will continue. Next up: Mimi Rogers. You may know Mimi from the brief period she was married to Tom Cruise, before he left her for Trophy Amazon Nicole Kidman. She's also been in a bunch of other stuff I never saw. Oh, no, wait -- I saw Lost in Space. Hard to believe that one slipped my mind, huh? But anyway, she isn't bad -- she plays it like she's gossiping over drinks with friends. She even rolls her eyes a couple of times. Take note, future hosts. This isn't The Prairie Home Companion. Have a little respect. Good job, Mimi. I never really liked Nicole Kidman.

Hot! Dancing! Gay! Boys! Never going to tire of those opening credits.

And we're at the Liberty Diner. Brian, Emmett, and Michael sit in a booth eating breakfast not looking at each other -- or, at least, not looking at each other at the same time. Mike voice-overs: "In case you weren't there, gotta tell you -- last Saturday night at Babylon was...to die for." You can always count on Mikey for the obvious pun. Emmett breaks down first: "Would somebody please say something??" Nothing from nobody. Then finally Mike starts in on this story about a guy he met as he was trying to get out of Babylon. Flashback: this reasonably cute blond who strikes me as being not at all gay (because I'm the expert, you know) walks up behind Mike -- you know, people in this show are constantly doing that to one another -- and whispers something in his ear. We don't hear what. Do you think it's the same line Brian uses? Hard to say. Probably not as "amazing," or whatever.

Back to the diner, Michael says he was "perfect." Brian asks, "How perfect?" He would. Who wants to bet he's getting off underneath the table? Mike, emphatically: "Perfect." So, he takes the guy back to his place, and the dude WILL NOT SHUT UP. Mike's all about the hook-up, and Blondie's all about telling him about his volunteer work with emotionally disturbed kids, and that he's the captain of a Gay Water Polo team, which is just depressing, 'cause you know they're never going to let us see them. Gay Water Polo Team. Damn. Mike to the boys: "And in my mind, I'm picturing him wearing a Speedo with a flag on it." You and me, both, pal.

Cut to Mike's flashback, where the guy's still talking, asking Mike, "Have you ever been to Brazil?" Mikey, with a determination we've never seen before, rips off his shirt and says no: "But I hear they have great beaches." Blondie agrees that the beaches are great, but...they have these "things." Uh, things? Umm, parasites. Long story short: There are these parasites that lie in the sand, and "they sort of burrow their way right up in there." Uh, there? Back at the Diner, Mikey confirms that "there" would be one's ass. Specifically, this guy's ass. Which reminds me: the Gay Man/Single Woman World Coalition is holding our First Annual Symposium on Defective Men next month. Registration's still open. Theme: "All God's Dangers Ain't Small Penises." Emmett tells Mike, "At least you found out before you'd gone too far." This is Brian's cue to ask how Emmett's night went.

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Queer as Folk U.S.

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