Ted's condo. Mike rushes to the refrigerator for some reason, while Emmett nervously centers a lamp in the dining room. Mike tells him to knock it off and look for the dildoes. Mike starts pulling things out of the fridge -- "Poppers, cheddar, brie." Emmett replies, "I don't think there are particularly strong shame issues attached to cheese, Michael." Yeah, seriously, his Mom already knows he's gay. I don't think the brie is going to be too much of a shock. Mike shoos Emmett away to the bedroom, while he starts ransacking the drawers underneath the TV, where the porn lives. And...a tape of You've Got Mail. Michael: "He masturbates to Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks?" Ewww. A big black dildo hits him in the head. Emmett trills, "Found themmmm!" Mikey picks up the realistically shaped dildo just as Emmett jumps into frame, wielding another one. He and Mike start a Dildo Duel. Mikey gets his butt kicked, not to mention whacked a couple of times. Emmett even sits on him in triumph. Emmett rules! Then they go back to de-gaying the place, continuing on to Ted's bedroom. Mike looks through the drawers, while Emmett opens up the armoire -- and finds a shrine to Michael on the inside of the door. Pictures galore; all that's missing is a candle. Um...Michael's understandably disturbed.
Outside Brian's condo, Justin buzzes the intercom. No answer. Justin stands in the middle of the street and screams up at the apartment. Okay, Stan, chill out. Stella's not home. Brian's neighbors yell at Justin to shut up. Shut UP, Justin. Daphne honks her horn, because he's about to get her in trouble again. Re-thinking that book, aren't you, Daphne? It's okay. I still love you. Justin needs to find Brian, though. He MUST FIND BRIAN. Daphne suggests asking "the crazy lady," that being Debbie. I contemplate referring to her that way from now on, but she made me cry. She's reprieved.
Lizard Lounge. Mike: "Well, what do you think it means?" Emmett: "I think it means he likes you." Snark. Mike: "I think it means he loves me." Emmett: "It's flattering, in a way. He collects you the way you collect comics." Mike mutters that all this time, he never knew. Well, duh. Michael Novotny, Master of the Obvious. Emmett replies that there's a lot that they don't know about each other: "Like, did you know I would walk down the street in Hazel, Mississippi, and the postman would spit at me?" Ouch. God, people can be such assholes. Mike responds that he doesn't know where his father was born, or even who he was. Emmett counters, "I sat with my dead grandmother for a hour and held her hand, before I told anyone she was dead." Is this supposed to make them feel better? Because it's depressing the hell out of me. Mike grabs Emmett's hand. Emmett, "How come we never tell each other these things, huh?" I don't know, because you don't want to end up sticking your head in the oven? Just my guess.