Queer as Folk U.S.
Ted's Not Dead

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Ted's Not Dead

Flashback to a gothic castle of a bedroom -- you know, red velvet walls, gold candelabras, some bald masochist guy pierced all over, wearing black leather chaps. Our darling Emmett is all cosseted in leather, chains, and a cunning metal/leather jockstrap combo. Emmett: "I feel like a 1991 Madonna video." Yeah, this is totally a scene out of "Erotica," but, like, in color. Emmett continues: "Do you have this in a size larger?" Masochist guy: "Can we hurry this along? I've got a bride and groom to do in the morning." Emmett: "You're 'bi'?" Masochist: "No. They're dead. Car crash" And I swear to God, Emmett looks right in to the camera, giving us the "what the --?!" look, right before the Masochist Guy throws Emmett onto the bed and spreads his legs.

At the diner, Emmett confirms that his hook-up was an undertaker. Brian: "I fucked an undertaker once." Not too surprising; odds are there had to be an undertaker in there somewhere. Mike's outraged that he wasn't informed, because he has no life. Brian says that his undertaker told him they sometimes they sew the mouths of the corpses shut. Shudder. That would be my creepiness quotient for the YEAR. Although I gotta say, Brian's oddly light-hearted in this scene. Much like Melanie smiling at the party in the last episode, he's scaring me. Where's the brooding? Where's The Sneer? Emmett asks Brian what he did on Saturday. Mike gives Brian an accusing/worried look, because he KNOWS what Brian did on Saturday. Or, specifically, who.

Cut to Brian's loft, and there's Justin all worshipful on the bed, as Brian's naked butt approaches him. I wonder if Gale Harold has that in his contract -- how many times the show is required to show his ass. I'm just asking. He and Justin GET...IT...ON.

Back to the diner. Brian says that he made it "an early evening." Mike looks down at his plate. Emmett breaks the awkward silence: "You know, when I die, don't let them sew my mouth shut, because when I get to heaven, I want to be able to walk up to Natalie Wood and say, 'Natalie! It's Emmett! What happened that night?" Yeah, and while you're at it, ask River Phoenix this for me, would you: was the cough medicine really necessary? Now Brian's laughing. What the hell is going on around here? Debbie walks up and reminds them that they have to get to the hospital. So much for that cheery moment.

Ted's lying in the hospital. Oxygen lines and beeping monitors notwithstanding, he looks pretty good for someone in a coma. Brian, Emmett and Mike are at the nurse's desk, explaining that they're not family, just friends. Emmett: "The nurse's station. I used to think it had something to do with radio; 'All nursing, all the time.'" When Emmett's uncomfortable, he makes funny jokes. Notice, no hokey puns. In other words, can it, Michael. In the corner sits a small woman in a chair, looking for all the world like a wounded bird. She introduces herself to the boys as Ted's mom, Margaret Schmidt. She tells them that she'll give them permission to see Ted, if they need it. My heart is literally hurting, looking at this poor woman. Mike sits down next to her. She's been sitting by Ted's bed all night. "And it occurred to me," she says, breaking down, "loving someone is not the same as knowing them." Word. Word, word, word, WORD. And, OUCH. Brian, out of discomfort or boredom, or something, turns away, and sees the next lust of his life, a strapping young male nurse. There's like this brief white flash followed by an extreme close-up on Brian's face, an effect which is oddly supernatural, and fairly silly. Brian has nice green-gray eyes. Don't think I don't hate him for it. The nurse passes by and gives Brian The Look Of Homosexual Acknowledgement. Brian is transfixed. Mike snaps him back to the world of tragic moms and their comatose sons.

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Queer as Folk U.S.




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