Queer as Folk U.S.
The Art Of Desperation

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Nobody Loves Brian...

Speaking of awkward couples, Ted and the Music Guy matched up. They're having lunch at some restaurant, being waited on by a (hint, hint) Obviously Gay Young Man. An Obviously Gay Young Man whose crotch is right in Ted's view. It's a nice enough crotch. Can't blame Ted for staring. Music Guy orders a bacon cheeseburger, fries, and a soda. Ted orders a grilled tuna sandwich and a glass of water while staring at the waiter's crotch. Music Guy tells him to "live a little! I can tell you've been denying yourself for way too long." Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ted thinks about it, and then changes his order to what Music Guy's having. They both watch the waiter saunter away. Looks good coming and going, naturally, prompting this particular gem of dialogue:

Music Guy: He has a nice smile.
Ted: Among other attributes.
Music Guy: I'm sure he's a nice person.
Ted: Rhodes Scholar would be my guess.

Just think -- good money being wasted on writers that could be spent feeding starving children in Africa. Unbelievable. Anyway, Ted and Music Guy laugh about lines they'd ordinarily be thinking up to use on the waiter when he returns -- horrible, horrible lines like, "Have we met somewhere before? No? It must have been in a dream." Or, "So, when did they start hiring models here?" I feel dirty even repeating those to you. They both express relief to be out of THAT game! Whew! Music Guy confesses that he didn't go to Date Bait to "Drum up an audience for our five hundredth Sondheim concert." Shout-out City, because I love Sondheim. Hey, wait! Mandy Patinkin stared in a couple of Sondheim's musicals in the '70s and '80. The search for a pattern continues. MG adds that he was hoping to find someone to connect with. Ted adds, "Someone appropriate." "Appropriate" being another word for "in my league." Ted says that they should get to know each other and take it from there. Music Guy agrees that they should "take it slow. I always preferred 'Presto' to 'Andante' anyway." ["Except 'presto' is fast and 'andante' is slow, so whatever." -- Wing Chun] Ted laughs knowingly. Ah, music! The great uniter. The waiter returns, and -- crotch still at eye level -- gives Ted and MG their drinks, saying, apropos of nothing he's aware of, "These will help cool you down." You know, sighing heavily really does relieve strain on one's eye muscles. Just a tip.

The Gym. The Boys work out, Mikey prattling on about how cool Dr. SoNotGay is. Dave spent twenty-seven minutes on Mike's nipples alone. I'm not sure whether I should be impressed or scared. That seems like a lot of time. Mike continues, "I figured he'd know what to do with his hands, since that's his business, but he has the most talented tongue. I mean, every time I came --" To which the Boys chorus, "Every time?" Poor men that can't have multiple orgasms. Sucks to be you. So to speak. Mike continues, "-- he didn't stop. He just kept licking me everywhere." Sounds a lot sexier than it looked in the kitchen, probably because I can imagine two gay men doing it instead. Emmett tangents, "I once knew a guy that could tie a cherry stem in a knot with his tongue. I was afraid to let him blow me." There is nothing I can say about that that wouldn't be self-incriminating. Let's move on. Ted asks how that twenty-seven-minute thing broke down per nipple. Mike answers, "Sixteen left, eleven right." All at once? Half-way through the left nipple, I'd be reaching for a book, and I'm not exactly sure what that says, except that I get bored really easily. Brian snickers, "that's probably how long it takes him to get it up." Mike snaps, "I wouldn't know. I never saw it when it was down." Everyone's scoring off Brian, it seems. Brian sneers that it's just "another Viagra success story." I'll bet you he wouldn't stand for that whole nipple thing, either. Emmett asks Mike if he's bringing Doc to Woody's tonight, but Mike doesn't think he's into that type of thing. Brian asks what he is into then, and Mike replies, "I don't know. His life?" Ted says that he sounds like the guy he met. Ted describes Music Guy, whose name is Roger, using the words "nice," "intelligent," and "interesting," because it's not polite to say, "He's a dog." Brian asks whether Roger is a top or a bottom, because that's all that matters. Ted gets huffy; he and Roger have decided to get to know each other before they have sex. Brian: "What do you think you are, lesbians?" Brian, Brian, Brian. SIT ON IT. Emmett gets excited, because this is just like that Streisand movie, The Mirror has Two Faces. I'm going to transcribe this whole thing, because Emmett's so adorable: "Because Barbra plays an unattractive professor -- [to Ted] no offense -- who marries Jeff Bridges because neither one of them can handle sex. But of course Barbra gets horny, because, hello, Jeff's such a dreamboat, so she hops on a Stairmaster for two minutes, eats a carrot, and then poof! She's gorgeous. So then she comes in dressed like the hooker in Nuts, and of course, Jeff's willing to fuck her, and then, um... [getting teary] they dance in the street." Ted drawls that he can't believe she wasn't nominated for an Oscar. I can't believe it took all this time for them to make a Barbra Streisand reference. And can I get props for knowing how to spell her first name right? Thank you. FYI, two of Barbra's most popular albums also featured music by Stephen Sondheim. There's just stuff I know. Brian's had enough of all this non-Brian talk. Leaving, he tells Ted, "You do it right away, or you don't do it at all." To Mike, "I'm happy for you, Mikey." Ted, watching Brian walk away, "The fuck he is." Word.

Justin's house, Jennifer calls upstairs to Justin as Daphe follows her into the living room. Justin's little sister Molly is sprawled out on the couch, tiny sneakers defiantly kicking one of the arms. Instead of telling her to get her feet off the upholstery, Jennifer just takes the shoes off Molly's feet, instead. Man, they get away with murder at that house. Daphne tells Mrs. Taylor that Justin is lucky to have such an understanding Mom: "It must be hard. I mean, in my family, I'm black, my parents are black, we're all...black, you know?" I think she's trying to be discreet for the sake of the child. Jennifer tolerantly replies, "I think so." Daphne asks Jennifer if she's seen the flyer for the art show. Art show? What art show? Daphne hands her a copy of the flyer and Jennifer exclaims, "Gay and Lesbian Center? When did this happen? So much for discretion. Daphne's surprised that she didn't hear, but asks her not to say anything to Justin, because he might stop telling Daphne things. Teenage logic. Gotta love it. Justin finally stalks down the stairs, grabs his back pack, and snaps to him mom that he doesn't know when he'll be back. Jennifer tries to stop him for a minute, but he just slams the door and doesn't look back. Somwhere in Capeside, Dawson Leery turns green with envy.

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Queer as Folk U.S.




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