Previously: Dr. Ben Bruckner was a hunky babe in Mike's comic book store. Justin asked Brian if he would still taken him in if he hadn't gotten his head cracked open like a coconut. Debbie told Brian that he loves Justin, even if he won't admit it. Ted made Emmett a porn star. Melanie told Lindsay that she was a porn star once, too. Justin tried to put Brian on a leash. And Ben confessed that he's HIV-positive.
Shake it, dude!
The Dungeon. On a computer monitor, Emmett jerks off violently, sneering like Billy Idol. It's not a good look for him. Way too butch. And, oh, no, the PenisCam is back. That's just all bad. In the Dungeon's "office," Ted counts off the rising number of visitors. There's another guy sitting in front a computer behind Ted. Tech Guy never speaks and has no name, so I'm going to assume he's straight. When the number reaches 1003, Emmett finally comes. Ted chortles, "Over one thousand self-satisfied customers!" At $29.95 a pop, that's not half bad. I might be in the wrong business. ["Same here. Wow." -- Wing Chun] Don't tell my mom I said that. As Emmett wipes himself off and puts on a robe, Ted brings over a bottle of water and straightens the bed. Ted tells Emmett to take a ten-minute break before they start "round three." Emmett drops into a nearby recliner and waves Ted off: "Honey, my dick's down for the count!" Ted's like, hey, but what about the record?" Emmett doesn't know what he's talking about. Ted bullshits, "Set by the legendary Peter Pounder. He once came six times in forty-five minutes." Emmett replies that he hasn't been able to do that since he was a teenager. Ted sighs and tells him not to worry about it, "Twice in thirty minutes is...respectable." Emmett is outraged. Respectable? He throws off his robe and snarls, "Rev up the webcam, boys! We're going for the gold."
The comic-book store. Debbie's brought lunch, and she doesn't want to hear any grumbling about it. Frankly, I think she's come to the wrong place, but Mike doesn't mind at all: "If it wasn't for you, I'd probably starve to death." Debbie grins, "As a mother of a future captain of industry, I couldn't very well let that happen." Mike doubts that he's going to reach that goal by selling comic books. Debbie thinks it's a good beginning, though. And she might be right. Even Stan Lee had to start somewhere. Enter the Babe, wearing jeans and a long bluish-grey turtleneck sweater. Mmm. Yummy. Ben shyly grins that he just came by to drop off the hat Mike left at his place the night before. Debbie stage-whispers to her son, five inches away from Ben, "His place? I didn't know you were getting laid. Good for you!" Thirty seconds before she made her first sexual reference. That's a record, isn't it? Mike rolls his eyes, because that's really his only defense, and informs her that sex was not involved. Debbie says that's a damn shame: "Better luck next time." Dude. Ben is right. There. Jaysus. Debbie reintroduces herself to Ben. Ben remembers, because he has HIV, not Alzheimer's. Mike reminds Debbie that she's hard to forget. Much as we'd all like to try, sometimes. Debbie cackles that she has to get back to the diner, and exits after pointedly telling Ben how nice it is to see him again. Ben laughs, "That is some kind of mother you've got there." Mike says that Ben doesn't know the half of it. Ben says he'd like to, though, along with anything else he can find out about Michael. Mike smiles: "You're going to make me blush. Which, after growing up with her, you'd think was impossible." Ben also came by to see how Mike was dealing with Ben's little revelation. Ben still hasn't figured out a way to introduce it gracefully into a conversation: "'My name is Ben, I'm thirty-three, Pisces, I love the outdoors and I'm HIV-positive.'" Mike apologizes for freaking out, but it's the first time he's had to deal with the issue. Personally. With someone he wanted to suck face with. Or just suck. Ben replies that most men leave scorch marks on the carpet. Mike snorts, "Please. Right after my mother told me I was gay, she gave this big safe sex lecture. I knew how to put a condom on a cucumber before I knew how to drive." Ben frowns, "I was going to ask you out tonight, but now I'm not so sure...I think a cucumber is a lot to live up to." But I'm sure he'll do his best.