Queer as Folk U.S.
The Leper, or, "Hath The Babe Not Eyes?"

Episode Report Card
Camper: B+ | Grade It Now!
Where's the Love?

The Dungeon. Ted's going over the books when Emmett walks in. Emmett explains that he came by for his personal effects. Ted timidly hands Emmett his last check. Is that regret I see in Ted's eyes? Probably. Ted's going to say something, but Emmett stops him, "Let's not say anything more. We've both made our positions painfully clear." O, the exquisite pain! The Way We Were of it all! Emmett pulls his things off a rack nearby -- feather boa, gold scarf, leather harness, dildoes. You know, the usual. Ted struggles to express his feelings. I struggle to stay awake through the non-tense non-drama. Let's GO! Ted finally stutters that Emmett's fans will miss him. Emmett sighs, "Well, I'm sure Dick Long will help them forget." Ted admits that, actually, "He's only a Dick Medium." No one cares. Ted allows that Emmett is "by far, [Ted's] biggest attraction." Emmett allows, "I suppose I do owe my fame -- such as it is -- and my fortune -- such as it isn't -- to you." Ted offers Emmett 5% of the gross. Emmett clutches his iridescent blue dildo and replies that it's a generous offer, but it's not about the money. Ted knows. It's about the art. Ted grabs a bag from the table and hands Emmett a bottle of "the finest lubricant. Water soluble. Heated to ninety-eight point six degrees." Emmett's touched. Ted walks over to a curtain separating the bed from the rest of the Dungeon. He pulls a rope and the curtain comes down, revealing the round bed he stole from Mona on The Chris Isaak Show. Immediately following this week's episode of Queer as Folk. Am I the only one who watches that from time to time? Yeah. I thought so. Anyway. Round red velvet-covered bed. Red velvet covering the wall. The height of porn-star style. Ted claps his hands and a red neon sign reading "Fetch" clicks on over the bed. Okay. That was funny. Emmett is overwhelmed. Ted apologizes for underestimating his better half: "You're more than just an enormous dick. You're my friend." Heh. Emmett exclaims, "And you're mine!" T&E hug, and stop wasting my time. All is right with the world. Emmett leaps onto the bed with joy. And then, oddly, there's a shot of Emmett lying naked on a red velvet sheet, imitating Marilyn Monroe's famous picture.

Ben's. Gilligan and the Professor are making out on the couch. Ben, thankfully, has his shirt off. So does Mike, but who cares? They pull apart, gasping, and Mike asks where the condoms are. Ben's both surprised and delighted by the question, and points Mike toward the bathroom. Mike opens the medicine cabinet and stops short. Cut to the inside of the cabinet, filled with row upon rows of drug bottles. Many, many bottles. Yup. Reality bites. Mike finally spots the condom box stuck between two bottles. And stares at all the bottles again. So many drugs Ben has to take so he won't get sick like Mike's uncle. Wow. That's really a lot of bottles. Ben walks in, wondering what's taking Mike so long. And he's naked. And I gotta tell you, evilness aside, Mike always gets the guys with the best behinds. Ben asks Mike if he found the condoms. Mike nods yes. Ben starts to get all snuggly in front of the sink. Mike finally shakes his head and says that he can't do it. Ben thinks Mike means the condom wrapper. Mike means Ben. Mike and Ben's faces are right next to each other, as Mike explains that he just can't handle it and apologizes. Ben pulls back a little, and his eyes go wide with hurt. Owie, oww, oww. On so many different levels. Ben nods bravely, "Don't apologize. It's, uh, better to find out now. Before someone gets hurt." Looks like it's too late for that. As Mike's little conflicted face stares back at us from the CabinetCam, Ben's figure recedes in the background. Cut to the credits over the sound of the condom box being put back in the cabinet.

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Queer as Folk U.S.




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