Okay, remember how much I hated the Ted/Michael scene that just happened? I hate this one more. I'll just transcribe it so you Mel and Lindz lovers won't skewer me, but before I do, ask yourself this: no matter how much you wanted Mel and Lindz to have their own storyline and no matter how fervently you believe that the lesbians are grossly underused in this show, is it worth it to have them deliver some of the shittiest lines ever written in a way so campy John Waters is like, "Oh, please. Take the sticks out of their asses and let them breathe a little!" All lines are delivered in an over-sickly sweet fashion. Mel: "Honey. There is no way we can squeeze that many guests into a house." Lindz: "Baby. We could move all of the furniture into the garage." Mel: "Lambskin. You'd have my thousand-year-old aunt stand all night." Lindz: "Puddin' pie. She has a walker. She can lean." Mel: "And what if somehow, my little love button, we manage to overcome the laws of physical science and pack them all in. What the fuck are they going to see besides each other's nose hair?" Lindz: "You're not even trying to make this work." Mel: "And you're not even trying to make sense!" Lindz: "There's no need to be abusive." Mel: "I wasn't being abusive. I was merely expressing frustration." Lindz: "So now I'm frustrating?" Mel: "I didn't say that! Ugh!" I'll just leave it all alone, but look at those sentences and tell me how that advances the plot, enriches character, teaches us about their relationship, makes us laugh, helps us relate, or teaches us about anything. Waste of three minutes. Leda shows up with the dry cleaning, which is of course fucked up. Lindsay goes meta and says, "There's...no need to explain. At this point in the plot, we all get it." Thank you, Lindsay. Can we skip to the wedding now? Leda gives Mel the one hundred dollars in free dry cleaning that they gave her to make up for the dress. Was it even Lindsay's grandmother's dress? Never bothered to resolve that plot either, did they? And who gets the dress dry-cleaned the second before the wedding? Mel says they're going to find her something beautiful to wear. "And we will have our special fucking day, goddammit. Even if we have to do it nude in the backyard." Oh, how I wish they'd cut to Naked Backyard Ceremony. Emmett with his ass all in a sling. Pickle's pickle freaking out Debbie. Come on! Do it! Dammit! Instead they just cue the thunderstorm. Gus cries. "Or maybe we can face reality," Lindsay says. Leda has to remind everyone about Mercury in retrograde, three words I almost forgot this episode. Lindsay says that the wedding has been systematically destroyed. "If you ask me, somebody up there doesn't think we should get married. Maybe there's a reason. Maybe that's because people like us aren't supposed to get married." Suddenly Lindsay thinks that God hates gays? Do we have to have a PSA in the middle of the wacky hijinx subplot?