Previously: Captain Astro died. Lindsay's mother doesn't approve of the wedding. Debbie found a kid in a dumpster. Cops hate gays. Emmett made Pickle "fuck 'em all." Michael realized that Ben's a mortal like the rest of us. Brian s-l-o-w-l-y disappeared into the night with a stranger, and Justin worried that perhaps Brian's going to get killed by the Dumpster Mangler.
You know what's great about the opening credits for this show? Not one actual credit. Just dancing, half-naked men. Like a blissful dream. Who cares who's on the show?
Bachelorette party. Mel and Lindz drink beers and whoop it up. Someone's playing with fire. Girls dance with their titties out. Leda raises a shot to them. Girls dance wearing strap-ons. Half-naked girls make out. Wow, those girls have perfect tits. Wait, someone's got something that looks like a taser. What's that? I know y'all will tell me in the Gay Sex 101 thread. I can't wait. I want one, whatever it is. The girl with the pretty tiny titties looks like she loves it. Sadly, Mel and Lindz both have all of their clothes on. I can't believe they're having their bachelorette party together. Lame. They should both be getting separate lapdances. Why are they both so clothed in this hot naked party? Ooh, there's the taser thing again. Someone pours a shot over a dildo. She sucks off the girl's strap-on. Mel and Lindz just point and stare like they're visiting the orgy zoo. Why don't they get to have any fun? Leda is also fully clothed. She walks over to Mel and Lindz, laughs, and asks if they're having fun. Suddenly Lindsay's arms aren't around Mel anymore as she answers, "It's amazing." Lindz says she didn't know bachelorette parties were this wild. Unfortunately, they usually aren't. Leda says this is the warm-up for their honeymoon. There are going to be lots of people at their honeymoon, I guess. Leda pulls Lindsay and Melanie away from the hot naked girls as she announces, "Follow the Leda!"
Leda pulls Mel and Lindz up to a bar, and it looks like their bachelorette party is in the same smokeless, quiet bar they had that fight in last week. The drag queen whose name escapes me...Mysterious Marilyn. I just remembered. Anyway, she offers to read Mel and Lindz's Tarot cards. The girls both touch the cards, and Marilyn goes to work flipping cards on the table and murmuring, "Uh huh." She asks when the "special day" is. Mel says it's this Saturday. What day is this bachelorette party? Marilyn tells the girls they can't possibly get married this Saturday because Mercury is in retrograde (which has fuck-all to do with Tarot cards, by the way, and isn't something you read in a Tarot deck). When Mercury is in retrograde there is an extreme imbalance in the universe. Now, I used to just dismiss all of this as bullshit, but I'm telling you this: February of 2000. Mercury was in retrograde. Every single couple I knew broke up. My boyfriend told me that he loved me like a brother. On Valentine's Day. He got himself a new apartment and wanted to "take a break." Everything was shitty. I didn't know anybody that wasn't completely miserable. I got drunk and showed my titties at Mardi Gras in Austin. Strange things were afoot at the Circle K, if you know what I'm saying. So I don't fuck with Mercury in retrograde anymore. Mysterious Marilyn advises against signing any contracts or taking any vows during this rocky time. She says it'd be a total disaster: "Catastrophe." Then: "But on a positive note, you'll redecorate your dining room around June in aqua and maroon and it will be stunning." Hee. Mel kisses the pouting Lindz on the cheek.