Queer as Folk U.S.
The Wedding

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Pamie: C+ | Grade It Now!
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Mercury's in What Now?

Big, giant empty ballroom that's in a wing of Pickle's mansion. I like to call this the "Good thing I'm fucking a millionaire. I almost forgot!" clause. It's very handy. I like that Pickle made Emmett call all those places first before he offered to lend his vacant room. ["Maybe Pickle was down for his nap when Emmett was calling around, and just woke up now." -- Wing Chun] Pickle says that the last time it was used was for his daughter's wedding. Her name is Frankie. She's named after a hot dog. I'm not kidding. Emmett says he thinks the room is due for a party. Pickle says he can't think of a more perfect occasion than the wedding. He offers to get a band to play and a caterer and all sorts of decorating, but Emmett says he'd rather do it himself with the money from his ass fund. Why, exactly? Whatever -- it makes Pickle smitten, and I'm sure all of us know that Pickle will just buy Emmett an ass later, one that's been sitting around in his East Wing or whatever. And why wouldn't Emmett want the Pittsburgh Symphony to play the wedding? Why would he make a cheaper wedding when he has the opportunity to splurge and give the girls a wedding they couldn't ever have for themselves? Emmett jams his ass into Pickle's crotch and they laugh. They kiss. Emmett thanks Pickle and then runs off to be up to his tits in tulle.

Debbie's sewing. Call the police. Vic breaks an egg and curses. Debbie asks what's wrong. Vic breaks something else and curses again. Debbie asks what's going on. Justin stops eating the cake batter long enough to take the blame. Vic complains and moans. Justin tells him to relax. "I've been out of the world too long, I can't go back," Vic moans. What is he, a cowboy? It's a cake, not a decathlon. Debbie freaks out and gives Vic the reverse psychology Tough Love special, telling Vic that he's a loser and should just curl up and die. Justin doesn't really stick up for Vic either, and Vic eventually gets so angry that he decides to make the cake. I've just saved you five minutes that I can't get back, by the way. In lieu of flowers, donations can be made to my therapy fund. Then, just in case we've been hit in the head and can't figure out what's going on, Justin asks Debbie: "You did all that on purpose, didn't you?" NO. REALLY?! Then Debbie explains that this is how she kept Vic alive all these years. She kept telling him to go ahead and die, and he lives to spite her. You're so beautiful, Debbie. So very. Debbie immediately tries the same tactic on Justin in an attempt to get him to stay home for the wedding, telling him that he's turning into Brian. Justin says it's not going to work on him and that he's too smart, but that he appreciates her attempt. She says that one day he'll regret not going to the wedding with his family: "And that's the truth, Sunshine. That's the truth." Oh, they're ending scenes with repeated lines of deep honest honesty, y'all. These are some desperate fucking writers, friends. Some desperate...fucking...writers.

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Queer as Folk U.S.

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