"Oh, no," Uncle Vic moans. Mikey stops plunging the sink so that he and Debbie can run over and ask Vic if he's okay. Vic's fine, but his disability benefits might be taken away. Debbie says a sentence with three cuss words and the word "universe," so we know that pesky Mercury has something to do with the fact that Vic might lose his monthly checks. Then Michael says, "Ben says it has something to do with Mercury." Way to pay attention when your boyfriend talks, Mike. Michael offers to help out. With what? Vic pants like a martyr and says, "Michael, this is a sign. If I lose my benefits then...I'll just have to get back to work." Michael asks if he's sure. Vic says that once upon a time, he was a "pretty decent" chef. Debbie goes on about how Vic was "another Sara Lee." If Vic was such an impressive cook, why doesn't he cook around the house? Why hasn't Michael ever learned this before? Vic says the trick will be finding someone willing to hire him. Wait. He hasn't lost his benefits yet. Why does he have to get a job today? Vic says nobody will want to hire him when they know he's HIV-positive. Debbie tells him to stop talking himself out of a job before he even gets one. She tells him he can work at her diner. It'll be fun, working together. Vic laughs. "Come on!" Debbie smiles. Wait, so why does he have to start working today, again? Oh, right. Mercury is in Comedic Subplots.
Emmett is having his ass consultation. ["In a recap of this show, that really could mean just about anything." -- Wing Chun] The doctor is Lou Pearlman. Pretty much. Just without the albino-asthma thing. He looks through the most unofficial-looking catalog I've ever seen. It's like he's looking at porn boxes to pick the ass he wants. And Emmett's just now getting around to figuring out what kind of ass he'd like? The doctor offers to let Emmett see some sample asses "in the flesh." All the members of his staff have fake butts, and they'd be willing to drop trou so Emmett can squeeze some melons. "Somebody loves his job," Emmett smiles. Dr. Pearlman: "When you work in a bakery, it's hard to resist the buns." Ew. Marching drum music kicks in as three men in matching khaki uniforms line up and shut the office door. Dr. Pearlman tells the boys that "Mr. Honeycutt's" having a hard time making up his mind. Emmett's last name is "Honeycutt"? Why didn't I know that before? The boys all drop their pants. The guy on the far left is either really proud of his ass or really ashamed of it, because he juts his knee way out so he's strutting in place. As we get a close-up, Emmett says that all of the asses are beautiful. The doctor boasts that he did them all himself. "I also did their asses," he says with a very gross side-smirk. And...lawsuit! Oh, shit, this is funny. The diploma framed behind Emmett's head says "College of Cosmetic Surgery." You know, that one. The "Harvard of the Knife," I do believe they call it. Dr. Pearlman must have minored in either TV/VCR repair or Gun Repair. Emmett is shy at first about touching strangers on the ass, but gains confidence with each little piggy. He just about fucks the third one right there in front of us. He talks about stretching out the third ass, and my entire face contorts in horror. Why would you stretch someone's ass out vertically? Okay, with the horizontal, I understand, but he didn't make that hand-motion. Why do I always type the strangest sentences when I recap this show? Is this the first recap in TWoP history that says "She sucks off the girl's strap-on"? Because I think I deserve some kind of prize. ["Obviously you've never read the 7th Heaven recaps. (Just kidding.)" Wing Chun] Dr. Pearlman makes this face at Emmett, and I think he's about to suck on Emmett's head if he's not careful. Wait. I think that's Dennis from Head of the Class. The "sorry, your mom blew up" kid. He's really aged. Emmett isn't sure which ass will look good on him. They skip the obvious joke, and Dr. Creepy offers to show Emmett sample digital imaging photographs for a small fee.
Mel's on the phone with someone who has lost an order. Losing her patience, Mel asks to talk to someone who speaks English as a first language. Man, I think that's the rudest shit someone can say to a person over the phone. I hate that so much. Even when someone's English is shaky, it doesn't mean that's why he or she isn't good at his or her job. People are shitty workers no matter what their nationalities, y'all. Don't blame a second language as a barrier to your communication problems. Just ask to speak to a manager or someone who does the job correctly. You don't have to get all racist. Love, Pamie (the former telemarketer/ fundraiser/ desk clerk/ Taco Bell cashier/ movie theater box office ticket person who's dealt with five million asshole customers in her lifetime and isn't putting up with another second of your pansy-ass bullshit that makes you be a total dick to people just because your parents gave you too much attention as a child). Gus, who's now about three years old, is wearing a bib that reads "Spit Happens." Mel screams to Lindsay that Gus just ate the seating plan. She fails to mention that it's because she left the seating plan on Gus's baby chair, which is where they put things for him to eat. Mel's asking the person on the phone what they plan on serving their picky-eater/ vegan/ Kosher guests, but we don't find out an answer because Lindsay's hyperventilating. Mel hangs up on the person she's been insulting and comes over to Lindsay's side. Lindsay slowly pants that she's having a panic attack, and for some reason Mel makes her say all of the syllables and doesn't stop her at the first obvious one. "Oh, my God!" Mel says when Lindsay's done overacting, out-overacting with three words what Lindsay did in nineteen pants and hand-shakes. Lindsay complains that she can't even put on a shoe, and then shows us that she, indeed, can't put on a shoe. She whimpers and pants that she's as big as the Michelin Man as Lindsay grabs a paper bag from the couch. Mel dumps a bunch of toys off the couch and sits Lindsay down. Mel straddles Lindsay as Lindz moans that she's never going to be able to fit into her dress. Brian lets himself in at this point and cracks that he thought they agreed to no lesbian sex in front of the baby. "Fuck off, Brian!" they say in unison. Brian says he just dropped by to let them know he isn't going to the wedding. The girls freak out like Brian was supposed to lead the ceremony, as if this isn't typical Brian Kinney behavior. They call him a selfish prick. Brian tells them that they don't really want him at the wedding, anyway. He'd be drunk, bored, and better-looking than the brides. He'd end up dancing on a table, fucking every guy there -- gay or straight -- and then he'd pass out naked bitching about the cheap booze. There's a strange noise of a woman screaming at this point and I'm wondering if it's supposed to be a dog barking or some kind of aural demonstration of Brian's sex antics. Whatever. Brian tells the girls that he's doing them a favor by being out of town. The girls pause one, two, three and then say in unison, "Have a safe trip."
They've changed Ted's hair in such a way that I don't recognize him for a second. He's almost attractive. He's panting, telling Michael that he can't walk any further looking for a present for the girls. Michael points out that they've only walked about three blocks, but that's way too much for Ted, who complains that it's really tedious to shop for lesbians. Try not to care too much, Ted. You might not be an asshole for five seconds. Michael says that they should get the girls something romantic, like lingerie. Ted cracks that lingerie isn't romantic at all. He tells Michael that dykes like power tools. You know what? Any girl wants her own set of power tools; I don't have to lick pussy to want to be able to hang my own frames. Yikes. Ted wants to buy $500 power tools. Do the tools lick pussy? Because why else would you need a $500 drill? Ted makes a joke about Ben and screws up so bad that I don't even recognize it as a joke. Michael complains that he's broke, so Ted says he'll pay for both of them. Ted's strange pager/ Palm Pilot/ text messenger thing beeps and tells him he's either got a threeway at half past four or a fourway at half past three. In any event, he's got to leave so that the situation comedy can begin. He hands Michael $500. Mikey asks if he's supposed to buy the lingerie or the power tools. Ted says it's up to Michael, adding that Ted knows whatever Michael decides will be the perfect gift. He kisses Michael goodbye and walks away as all people do when they're hanging out together shopping downtown. The continuity is so fucked in this shot that the extras keep changing with all of the camera angles. Michael's about to walk into the power tools store when some music from The Lion King starts up and Michael's mysteriously drawn to an alley. You guys, this is all so dumb, but I'll recap it anyway.