The video store. Ted's dropping off his rentals, housed in a very large department-store bag. Melanie's there, too, so I guess they had lunch. After putting all the videos on the counter, he tells Quentin the cashier that he'll bring the rest back tomorrow. Melanie's all, "The rest?!" Ted and Melanie are turning to go when another man holds up three videos and asks Quentin which video he should get. Quentin snorts, "You think I watch this shit?" He nods to Ted and says the dude should ask him. Ted looks at the choices and determines, "Your Ass-Licked Park. Excellent rimming scene between a paleontologist and a stegosaurus. Forest Dump. Some idiot gives Nixon a plate job in the Oval Office. Oh, definitely this one, Arm-n'-head-in. It's got the best fisting scene on an asteroid headed to earth ever filmed." Melanie hides her face in embarrassment. The other guy shakes his head in amazement.
Outside, Melanie agrees that Ted is amazing, all right. She adds, "Although I wouldn't call knowing every boy-bang flick ever made a significant contribution to cultural literacy." Ted snorts, "Hey, Missy Big Words, I'm not ashamed of loving porn!" Porn, Ted says, provides an important social service. Melanie's all, shyeah, right! Ted explains, "Take a guy like me, renting a video. What are my choices? A moronic comedy, a cop drama staring some brainless actor shooting off his little gun, or...an exotic fantasyland filled with beautiful men, all of whom are there for the sole purpose of pleasing me." I'm with him until he adds that it's his "chance to be Brian Kinney. Fuck anyone" he wants. Jesus, Ted. You know Brian Kinney. Why on earth would you want to be him? Melanie still doesn't get it, because pornography is a dirty, dirty business. Why? It's not like it's run by the mob. Or, like, Congress. Ted doesn't understand how making people happy is a dirty business. Especially compared to what he does all day: "Crunching numbers so some asshole can cheat Uncle Sam out of a few bucks! Now that's what I call porn! There's no socially redeeming value whatsoever." Before Ted can properly warm to that subject, Melanie says that he does provide a valuable service as an accountant. Ted snorts, "Yeah? When was the last time I made you come?" Must. Get. Brain. Windex. Melanie grins, "1998. I got a big refund." She kisses Ted goodbye and goes back to work. Ted's attention is caught by the monitors inside the video store. One is hooked up to a camera that's shooting the outside through the window bars; from Ted's perspective, it looks like he's caught in a cage. Trapped! Unable to Follow His Dream! And in his head, he hears, "Yeah. Go for it!"