Breakfast at the Liberty Diner. Brian and Mike sit in a booth together, and I still can't believe these people get up early enough to have breakfast out before going to work. I can barely get up early enough to exercise before going to work, and that's only twenty-five minutes with Denise Austin on television in my living room, five feet from the bed. And I still have to give myself a pep talk every morning. Unless, for some reason, I'm already awake, getting up two hours early to have breakfast with a bunch of people I see every single day anyway? Is not going to happen. Anyway, Mike mumbles about changing his hairstyle -- maybe buzzing it or bleaching it blonde. Brian asks Mike what's wrong. Mike says nothing's wrong. Brian says that every time something goes wrong in Mike's life, he thinks about doing something to his hair. Mike doesn't think so. Debbie comes by with coffee and Brian tells her that Mike wants to do something to his hair. Debbie, predictably, wants to know what's wrong. Mike finally growls, "It just feels like everybody's life is speeding along. Lindsay and Melanie are getting married. Justin's going to art school, and he was practically dead a couple of months ago, for fuck's sake! And I'm still stuck at the starting gate!" Debbie's all, when did this become a race? Mike pouts, "Since I started coming in last!" Debbie tells him to do something about it, then: "After all, you're cute. You're young. You're hung." Which qualifies him to do what? Start a new career as a male stripper? ["Plus why does Mike's MOM know he's hung?" -- Wing Chun] Mike doesn't know what to do. Brian snaps that he should quit working at the Big Q. Mike would like to, but he has "obligations." To, uh, "others." Debbie knows he's talking about her, and informs him that his first obligation is to himself. What's going to make him happy? Mike takes so long to answer that Brian finally sighs, "Should we hum the theme to Jeopardy?" Mike growls at Brian to fuck off, and then adds, "What would make me happy is to get to work on time and not get shit from my boss!" The day hasn't even started and already he's screwed. Emmett droops over to the booth. Mike was worried, since Emmett didn't come home the night before. Debbie hopefully cackles, "Someone got lucky!" Emmett frowns, "Good for him. I spent the night at Ted's." Playing twenty rounds of "Hide the Lube," no doubt. Sounds like fun. Well, I guess that would depend on where you're hiding it. Aw, man -- now they've got me doing it. Ted's in trouble, Emmett continues, and the only thing to do is to hold an intervention. Debbie's all, is it booze? Nope. Dick. Namely, his own. Brian snorts, "Schmuck. He couldn't even get a decent addiction." Oh, yeah, Brian. Because having an audience makes all the difference.