Brian and his assistant are "digging up" facts on the New Big Boss. Blah blah blah, they find out that the guy has always wished he landed the campaign for Nike. I mean, Brown Athletics. If you have the tape of this show, watch this scene again. It's written so incredibly badly and acted without any slight trace of passion that it's like you're watching an audition. It's the line "Divorced twice. Boxing fanatic. Straight guy" where you're like, "What? What am I watching?" Then it's the pause when he's giving the line reading of the quote. You know, sometimes when I'm doing these recaps I'm reminded of the Mr. Show sketch where David Cross is reading comic strips to the blind, and he's laughing, saying, "Oh, I wish you could see this!" I know some of you don't watch the show and only read the recaps. I absolutely cannot describe how bad the acting in this episode is. I miss this show, when it was good. I miss the good. Brian pops his head up like Yertle the Turtle, and we know he's got a scathingly brilliant idea. He stands up and says he's off to see a few of his hottest tricks. "You're going to the baths now," bad actress says. "You'll fuck us both out of a job." Does she honestly think he just stands up and leaves to go have sex? Porn theory. Porn theory. Porn theory. It's so hard to remember that all the time. Huh-huh. I said "hard."

Lindsay is very unhappy that Melanie has taken her to a nasty, pay-by-the-hour motel. I don't know why she didn't get insulted until she actually saw the gross Wild at Heart room, but maybe she was blindfolded until then. Mel makes Lindsay stay and says they have to fuck. Lindsay doesn't want to fuck on the cum-stained sheets, but Mel tosses her body all over the comforter. Little tip from a hotel girl to y'all: take off the comforter. It never gets cleaned. The sheets and blankets are fine. The towels are usually clean. Don't touch the nasty comforter. Good thing these two don't have a kid, or it'd be difficult just to take off in the middle of the day for quick, cheap sex at a motel. I think Mel just shattered her kneecap jumping on that "bed" that's actually a piece of wood with a comforter dropped over it. The entire budget on this show goes to buy blue light bulbs. Lindsay gets grossed out over the "room service" menu, which offers sex toys and lubes in various flavors. Mel rolls on top of Lindsay and kisses her. They moan. They kiss. Moaning. Groping. Pulling. "That's a good girl," one of them whispers as the other moans. Mel yanks Lindsay up as she opens Lindsay's shirt. Kissing. Moaning. Yanking. Mel takes off her shirt. Lindsay touches Mel's breasts politely with a face that reads, "Not too close!" Kissing, touching, pushing of titties. The girls stop making out when they hear someone else having sex in another room. It's a woman's moaning, so I don't understand why this stops all sex. Do they not know that everybody else in that motel is having sex? Do they realize they're the only women in that place who aren't prostitutes? Mel starts to call the manager. What? To complain that people are having sex at the sex motel? Lindsay suggests they put the television on instead to drown them out. Every channel at the hotel is showing porn. These lesbians don't like watching other women have sex. Neither Mel nor Lindz wears a bra. They get grossed out by girls with big breasts touching each other. Mel cups her own breasts into her hands. They keep changing the channel until they find a cooking show. Lindsay's very happy and is overly pleased when she sees the item the chef is cooking: she's always wanted to know how to do it. The sexpots snuggle down and watch the cooking show for fifty bucks an hour.