Queer as Folk U.S.
You Can Leda Girl To Pussy…

Episode Report Card
Pamie: B+ | Grade It Now!
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Good Old-Fashioned Softcore Porn

Emmett, Ted, and Michael (Emmett's best friends who understand private moments, clearly) are watching Pickle's video. "Hey, Emmett," he begins. Now, keep that Porn Theory right in front of you, because in this videotape, Emmett and Pickle have a conversation. Emmett asks a question and Pickle answers. Pickle also waits between sentences long enough for Emmett to have little conversations with him. Even Michael talks to the screen. It's so stupid that I'm not recapping it. I'm not. I have standards. I have standards! And, did Pickle know he was about to die? And, and: can't Pickle afford a better videographer? He looks like he's talking from the grave. All white and Vincent Price-y. Pickle says that Emmett needs some "fuck 'em all" money. Somehow, these two tell each other that they made each other very happy. Well, now that Emmett has the Magical Videotape that allows the dead to communicate with the living, I guess that Crossing Over guy should start looking for another job. Pickle blows Emmett a kiss and then somehow gets the television to turn itself off. Pickle's undead powers are fucking scary, y'all.

Brian's paying a photographer to take quick pictures of greasy, mostly-naked men. One guy's got a cardigan tied around his waist and nothing other than boxing gloves on his body. One guy is dressed like a catcher, naked from the waist down as he crouches and puts his hand behind his glove. Brian's assistant walks up and pants so we know she's "rushed." She hands him his "airline ticket." I love how they spell everything out for us so slowly because we're supposed to be retarded or having sex while we watch this show. She tells Brian that Brown's office doesn't accept unsolicited pitches. Oh, come now. He's Brian fucking Kinney! She asks Brian if he wants to cancel. Shouldn't she have asked this on his cell phone before she bought the ticket? Anyway, Brian doesn't answer.

Next scene. Emmett's bought Mel and Lindsay a new car. I guess they're back from the motel now. Still without a kid. And how many days have passed? Did Emmett pick up the car on the way home? No, Michael's still wearing the same outfit. But Emmett's not. The girls have changed clothes, as well. Surprisingly, the girls are very happy to have a Subaru SUV. I can't imagine the girls wanting an SUV, but that doesn't matter. Emmett says this is the #1 car among lesbians. "I'm sure Mr. Subaru would be thrilled!" Debbie shouts. Who let her out of the C-plot trunk? Emmett gives Justin two tickets to Italy. Emmett tells Justin to discover his soul. Creepy Ted points out that Justin can also see "lots of statues of naked men." Since Brian doesn't show up for the party, Emmett hands Justin the present for Brian: the Armani fall collection. What day is it? Emmett hands Debbie a diamond tennis bracelet. He tells her she's a princess. Hey, what'd you get for Vic and Ben? Nothing? Oh. That's cool. I mean, what with the way Vic needs money and Ben's not feeling so well. I'm sure Debbie really wants a pretty bracelet to wear when she's refilling coffee for $2.15 an hour. Emmett has paid the mortgage on Michael's comic-book shop for the next five years. I think that Mel and Lindsay got the best present, you guys. Michael hugs Emmett and tells him that he changed his life. Mel and Lindsay are kissing in the corner. Yeah, full of problems, their life is. Ted complains that he didn't get a present. I hope Emmett got him a lifetime membership in Porn Anonymous with a copy of How To Not Be Such a Creepy, Shitty Friend. Emmett says he really wanted to get Ted someone special to spend the rest of his life with. Ted says there's always a golden retriever. Lindsay puts food in her mouth to keep herself from telling Ted how true his last statement really is. Emmett says that he got Ted two lifetime orchestra seats at the opera. Two, because he knows that Ted will find somebody special someday. Ted starts to cry. They hold each other. Mel walks over and hugs Ted. She asks Emmett what he got himself. It's not like he spent $10 million, you guys. Emmett says that he didn't get anything, since it's better to give than receive. "Except in bed," Emmett says, and everyone laughs, even though they used that joke in just the last episode. Emmett says he did pick up a little something for himself. Everyone makes a noise and Debbie says, "Here we go!" Emmett jumps back into the room wearing a black velvet coat. Could that be a $50,000 coat? Because otherwise Emmett got screwed. He says that everyone will hear him say "Fuck 'em all" when he's wearing that. Emmett dances in a circle to the music only we can hear, and that's that.

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Queer as Folk U.S.

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