Yo! Whoa. I am watching Ted get head. Come on, people, enough is enough! Ted and Gay Jesus are doing a little 69 action on some kind of red velvet bed. Ted isn't very good and has to keep stopping to catch his breath. Maybe try a different angle, Ted. Please see the Gay Sex 101 thread on the forums for further assistance. Now I'm watching Ted and Gay Jesus share intimate kisses. I'm so close to the action that I'm Gay Jesus's left bicuspid. That's my new Fight Club quote, by the way. "I am Gay Jesus's left bicuspid." Between Ted and Gay Jesus, there's not one fully-formed lip between them. They breathe into each other's mouths about how totally awesome it all is, and how Ted's a wonderful lover. "So nice," Gay Jesus breathes. When we pan back just slightly, the way they're curled into each other makes them look like two sixteen-year-old boys. Gay Jesus isn't allowed subtext either, so he tells Ted that he's such a sincere and honest lover. Ted can't take the pressure of his porn habit, so he stammers for a million years about how he wasn't exactly, kind of, um, well, you know, maybe, uh, um, well, you see, there's, um, relief work, uh, you know, kinda, um, how should I say, you know, uh, I'matotalpornwhoreandIendeduphavingtomakeajerkoffsite (breathe) sopeopledidn'tsendmesomewherefortreatment (breathe) andIneedlotsofattentionbecauseIhaveastrangeideaofwhatloveis. Ted's chest hair is crawling like Daddy Longlegs have hatched from his nipples. Ted needs a facial, as I am now Ted's flaky nose. Gay Jesus absolves Ted from his sins, and tells him that he even visited one of those sites himself. Hey, GJ, did you lock yourself in the house for a month covered in used Kleenexes because you couldn't get your hand off your dick? Because Ted did. Are you ready for that kind of baggage? Are you ready to deal with a man who can't stop talking about fucking all day long? Who doesn't understand the grieving process when a porn convention comes to Pittsburgh? Who whores himself out every single night to get big men not to fuck him but to jerk off near him because he can't get guys to fuck him? He's Ted. He's pathetic. He isn't capable of human emotion like we are, Gay Jesus. Do yourself a favor and fuck Brian Kinney. At least it's simpler, and when it's over you have the rest of Pittsburgh to commiserate with you. Ted asks Gay Jesus if he minds. "No, no," Gay Jesus says. "Look. You're what matters." He whispers this as we're a particle of breath bouncing inside his upper teeth. We zoom into Ted until we're one smudge of blue on his iris. Ted exhales a laugh and we fall into one of his cheek pores. They kiss open-mouthed, without tongue.