Ted and Gay Jesus awkwardly walk five feet to their next point, where Mel and Lindsay walk up together in unison. There's better blocking in fifth-grade Thanksgiving pageants. Mel and Lindsay cannot shut up about how Ted won't shut up about Gay Jesus. They've been dating for six hours, people. When did Ted tell the girls how much he loved his new boyfriend? Ted excuses himself to get some sake.
Uncle Vic shows up with Debbie. Michael's so happy to see his mother. Debbie says Rosie cancelled at the last minute, stammer, stammer, stumble. Warm smiles and hugs. All is forgiven.
Mel and Lindsay are still going on about how Ted uses many superlatives in describing Gay Jesus. Mel, Lindsay, and Emmett begin the "dick" monologue from Reservoir Dogs to tell Gay Jesus how Ted's totally addicted to porn, dick, porn, porn, dick, porn, and gay porn. My boyfriend points out that Gay Jesus has baby teeth -- those tiny, tiny teeth some adults get. Ted comes back into the conversation just as Gay Jesus has decided that he no longer wants to date Ted. He calls Gay Jesus the cutest, sweetest, nicest, blah blah blah and decides he's the luckiest guy in the world.
Michael shouts that there's somebody coming up the steps, so it must be Ben. Everybody hides in the dark. One guy prances across the door just as the noise settles. The door opens. Everyone shouts "Surprise!" as Emmett hits a gong. It's Brian and Justin. Of course. Does Ben have any friends of his own? Michael bitches out the boys for showing up late to a surprise party. Brian explains that they were busy with their own surprise party. Lindsay and Melanie flank Justin and kiss him, saying how happy they are that Brian gave him a present after all. Justin spits that Brian got him a hustler. Lindsay and Melanie ask if Justin's serious. Michael runs back into the room and whispers that Ben's coming. Emmett stops picking his teeth, everyone hushes and the same guy prances across the room just as the room quiets down. Ha. It's like Noises Off in here. Ben opens the door. Everyone shouts "Surprise!" Michael runs up and kisses Ben, shouting, "We really surprised him! We really surprised you!" He tells the obviously furious Ben, "Happy birthday." Ben asks what the fuck is going on. Michael explains the concept of birthdays and parties in Western culture. Ben asks how Michael knows all of his friends. Right, since Ben hasn't introduced his secret boyfriend to any of them. Michael finally returns the stolen Palm Pilot. I wish Ben had gotten fired for forgetting a proposal or a project that was due. Ben's pretty pissed off. "You had no right, Michael," he says. Michael tries to whisper, asking what's wrong with him. Ben screams that he doesn't want to celebrate his birthday, adding many cuss words to his sentences. Michael whispers that his friends are all here. Ben looks right at Paul. Why the hell would Michael invite him? Puppyhips or not, I can't imagine Michael would want to be chummy with him. Paul makes a face like, "Oh, maybe he's still not too happy with me. Should I return this box of condoms I bought him as a present?" Ben tells Michael to make everyone leave. He storms off to his bedroom. Michael's friends quietly start to trail off. "And this is the guy who's good for my son," Debbie says indignantly, self-righteously, and yes, I think a little happily. She leaves, her shiny pink cowboy shirt leaving tracers as she walks away. That Paul guy is like, "Man, did I fart or something? Why does everyone keep looking at me like that?" The one Asian girl starts to leave, walking by Emmett without saying, "I think you're horribly offensive. Next party you have, let me know so I can come as a giant fairy, flipping my wrists as I scatter pixie dust on people and beg to give blowjobs."