..."Celebratory Church." It's one of them fancy-talkin' preachers with the Liberace jacket and the love of the Lord. There's a spotlight and nothing that looks like an actual church in the room. Neon lights, y'all. Nobody is dressed nicely, either. Ted's all shaking his head, moved when the preacher says the Bible could only have been written, directed, and conceived by God. Ted looks at Emmett to see if he's buying it. I'm not. I'm not buying that Ted's got a secret religious life that none of us know about. Did Ted mention this when Emmett got all religious and took back being gay? "Isn't Reverend Brad incredible?" Ted asks. "Yeah, he should win a...Tony," Emmett spurts. Everyone has to stand to sing from their hymnals. The lesbian seated behind Emmett is taking all of this way too seriously. So, instead of religious songs, this church sings show tunes. Ted lends his hymnal to Emmett. He can't find another one, but the cute boy who just happens to be ready to flirt next to him offers and stands real close so they can flirt under the eyes of the Lord. The song works on Emmett, and he's smiling by the end of the song. So are the two new lovebirds. The preacher has lost his ability to lip-synch.
Oh, man. Here's some crap fodder. Ted's new love interest can't just be sort of religious or sort of a good guy. He's got to be perfect and like a kitten. He's like a tiny kitten. If any guy fed me these lines I'd call him a liar to his face: "I was with the Peace Corps for a few years, but then I decided what I really wanted was to work with kids." "That's sweet!" Ted says, unable not to sound like a pedophile. New Fling says he loves being a teacher, and that it allows him time in the evenings to volunteer at the gay youth support line, to train for the AIDS Ride on the weekend, and to help out at the church. Oh, I forgot to mention: Ted and Gay Jesus are walking around the empty theater, picking up hymnals. I guess this guy's the only one who works there, because they're all alone. Ted says he's impressed. Gay Jesus chastises himself for talking too much about himself. He asks what Ted does for a living. I'm putting the TiVo into slow motion so I can tell you every silly second of the next blurb of images: two guys showering, one washing the other's back; shot of ass sex; shot of an ass, one hand near the left cheek; a hand pulling an ass in tighty-whities closer, the hard-on visible through the fabric; tongues touching; a rocket taking off; blue-gloved hands pulling sausage out of a machine, stroking it as it grows; a black-and-white hot dog getting pulled away from another mustard-soaked hot dog in a bun; a subway tunnel; a cartoon dog driving a red hot rod that's out of control; and a zeppelin. This is during jungle drums and animal noises. This show has become Adam Sandler's "That's Too Stupid For America" trash-can findings. Gay Jesus has to remind Ted that he was just having a conversation and suddenly stopped to have a cliché montage. Ted decides to say he works in computers. Only the first syllable of that word is correct. Gay Jesus persists, asking if Ted works in sales or programming. Ted says he runs his own dot-com company. Gay Jesus is impressed with Ted's entrepreneurial skills. Ted says he runs a company that deals with people's needs. "Relief work," he says, like a question. We are a sweat gland on Gay Jesus's cheek as he breathes, "Somehow, I knew you'd do something that involved helping others." We are the spit in the corner of Ted's mouth as he breathes a guilty laugh.