Queer as Folk U.S.
You Say It's Your Birthday! I Couldn't Care Less!

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Ted, Just Admit It

Michael is complaining to Brian in a sentence that uses every form of the first person singular pronoun. He can't believe Ben didn't appreciate Michael's hard work. All the stuff he did. Uh, you mean the stuff Emmett did? Hey, where's Justin? Hey, Brian. Your boyfriend's having a fucking birthday, you asshole. Michael keeps bitching and cussing until Brian complains that he's tired of hearing Michael's pity party. "What did I do?" Michael asks. "Because I throw him a goddamn party?" Brian tells Michael that he wants too much: "You expect too much and then when your hero disappoints you, your heart gets crushed." Also called: Season One. Oh, and Season Two. Michael asks if he should be more like Brian and expect nothing, want nothing from people. Yes, everything should always be in extremes. You only have one choice or the other. It's gay or straight. Brian, light your fucking cigarette.

Ted's very happy watching men fuck while talking about men fucking while taking calls from men who want to watch men fuck with double-headed dildos. Gay Jesus, however, is starting to feel a little squeamish. I love how Ted thinks everyone finds his nasty world fascinating. I always imagine Ted's badly lit office is in the nastiest office building in some skank part of Pittsburgh, the mailbox stuffed with used needles and the coffee shop actually a liquor store. Ted kisses Gay Jesus around the circle jerk, and that's totally creepy. What else is creepy? Ted's badly lit office with its empty, bare walls and how nobody is ever dressed or talking and you just hear the quiet sounds of moans and groans but you can't see where they're coming from. Ted flirts with Gay Jesus. They make GJ say, "Did I come at a bad time?" Ted jokes that around here there's no such thing. Ba-dum-bum. He gives him the "V.I.P. tour," and I can't help thinking about the Mr. Show sketch that parodies Larry Flynt with the guy who made the taint a sensation. When he spins around at his own party of five people -- that's exactly what this is like. Ted hands out dildos and such, coaching guys on their sex play. He walks past an inflated penis as he starts on his totally creepy "cutest," whispering stuff, saying that his "members" would freak to get one look at him. Then he promises he'd never put Gay Jesus in front of his cameras. Why not? He already put his best friend up there. He forced Emmett to do it. I know he'd do the same to Gay Jesus in a second. Gay Jesus has had enough of all the gross stuff, and tells Ted he doesn't want to see him anymore. He thinks they're moving too fast. Ted's like, "Too fast? I love you! I've been with you for three days and I think you're everything in the world to me! I love you! I love you! How could this be too fast! Do you want to see curtain three felch?" Ted asks why Gay Jesus wants to break up. Gay Jesus listens to a man come and says he tried not to let all of this stuff bother him, but the fact is that Ted's not just providing a service. Ted's got a porn problem! Say it, Gay Jesus! Ted says he's willing to do anything to keep Gay Jesus, and now says he'll shut down the site and give it up. Gay Jesus does not want that kind of pressure looming over his head, and knows that the porn totally comes first. The spinny-cam is in full effect as Gay Jesus lies and says that this is his problem and not Ted's. Ted says that they can work on it together. I vomit from the constant spinny-cam. Gay Jesus apologizes and tries to kiss Ted's cheek, but Ted jerks back like Gay Jesus's mouth is a vagina. Gay Jesus leaves and Ted cries in his giant, poorly lit pornucopia. "Easy, guys," he calls out to the naked men who won't have sex with Ted. "Pace yourselves. Pace yourselves." And...scene! Wonderful! So much for the Ted storyline, so put him back in a trunk or something until we need a gross plot.

Whatever, this totally makes no sense. Brian's helping Lindsay and Melanie load their car at a Home Depot. The fuck? Look, seriously. Who the hell is watching Gus anymore? Has he been sent away to a fancy school? It's raining, and Lindsay's the only one with an umbrella. Brian asks how it feels to be Leda's gophers. Lindsay and Melanie say she's doing them a favor, so they had to volunteer to help out. Their trunk closes, so both Mel and Lindsay have to open it again, because lesbians can't open a trunk, you know. Brian suggests that they hire a professional to do the renovations. Melanie cracks that Brian knows all about hiring professionals. Lindsay curses loudly and says she left her credit card inside the Home Depot. "You sure?" Mel asks. Just like a man, to second-guess her. Lindsay runs inside to get her credit card. Just like a woman, to leave that behind. An extra walks by carrying sound equipment. Mel and Brian continue loading the trunk. Mel says she heard about the hustler. Brian says, "Yeah. He really got off on it." He says he didn't hear Justin complain. Mel says that Justin wouldn't dare. Brian asks why Mel's complaining. "Because," she says. "I'm not in love with you." Brian: "Finally, someone who isn't." Mel says he should have given Justin something more thoughtful. Brian tells her to keep the "Jewish mother" guilt stuff for his son. Mel retorts with an "oh, fuck off, Brian." She tells him that Justin wants something romantic. Brian finally lights a cigarette (in the rain?) and complains that he and Justin are not a couple of dykes. "You should be so lucky," Mel says. Brian jokes that he could send Justin a couple dozen roses. Mel doesn't see the problem with that. "Because he's not my wife," Brian says. "We're not married. We're not straight." Ooh, burn. Straight people are the only ones that send flowers. Yeah, I've heard that stereotype before. Mel asks Brian to back off his "holier-than-thou, I'm gay and if you don't like it you can suck my dick" principles for a few minutes -- long enough to be a good boyfriend to Justin. Brian says that Justin knows he cares. Lindsay runs back with her credit card, just in time. We have to watch Melanie push the cart across the parking lot, presumably into another car. Then they all walk back to the car to drive off. I love watching the pointlessly mundane!

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Queer as Folk U.S.

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