Miranda discovers that the previous Five are still hanging around the graveyard, avoiding her, which is like her worst ghost nightmare. Then Abby Wheeler's gravestone breaks in half, which is apparently one of the ways you can be punished if you fuck up at being a ghost.
Caleb can't seem to verbalize his experiences in a way that won't either bring Hanna into the Curse or else send her screaming in the other direction, and actually gives a valid explanation for this: He's still paranoid about how mad she got the time he hid a nannycam teddybear in her house for the Jenna Thing, and doesn't want her to think he's a liar or crazy. See, if you were dating Spencer Hastings you would not have these problems. That kind of shit bothers her zero.
Miranda writes Hanna an explanatory email on his behalf, breaking into tears when she realizes she is in love with him, and then later on Caleb thinks maybe he likes her back. But it doesn't matter, because after a sweet conversation with Olivia, who is still awesome this week, Miranda discovers her ghost-mother on the set of the school play we'll probably never hear about again, and then ends up going to Heaven. Which -- if untrue -- is a very mean trick to play on a ghost.
Olivia is still on a roll, figuring out that her mom and Uncle Collins were, or are, intimate; this creeps her out because she is a racist who doesn't believe moms should hook up with draculas, but then even more creeped out is she when she and Miranda discover Collins's collection of dad-stabbing knives and dead people's hair. Classic Collins!
Would that Luke continued following his sister's lead, but alas, his awesomeness last week was short-lived. In between almost dying approximately eighty times, and also the crying he likes to do, and the bossing around of his sister that he also loves, he shits on everybody for being interested in the magically horrible things that are constantly happening to them, because he is like an old superstitious pilgrim about everything. If you threw a Coke bottle down on him from a helicopter, that would keep him busy for a year talking about how stupid Coke bottles are and how people need to stop talking about the Coke bottle.
The only other downer part is no The Grunwald, but I'm sure she was doing something super important like taking some tea up some stairs or transforming into a mean-eyed alley cat or whatever she gets up to on her day off.
At Ben Price's behest, Luke joins the school play -- then quits the school play, then joins the school play -- just in time to have a sexy smooching encounter with Olivia's best friend Tessa that involves the phrase "honey roasted penis," and is probably the best thing that's ever going to happen on this show. Remy is none too thrilled about that, but probably because she throws him out before he gets to the part about the #honeyroastedpenis (which trended last night, because the internet is great).
After a weird encounter with a klepto old lady, Caleb drags Remy to meet a mean old man who is the brother of the previous Caleb Rivers that died. He is not helpful at first, just very yelly and conflicted about whether he should be helpful or just super annoying. Remy is all about annoying stupid old people and how they don't even know how to blog or what a blog is, and that her grandmother calls tablet computers "maxi-pads," and generally Remy has just had it with everybody, which looks almost as good on her as her wonderful outfits.
Later on he shows up at the carriage house with a magical key and some rambles about how Caleb is now in charge of "the battle," so then Remy and Caleb investigate a secret archive of spooky things that is under the high school, where they find a magical box that they can't unlock but then -- after Miranda disappears and he gets in a spittin' rage with Uncle Collins -- he beats up and it opens. What's inside? Nobody knows. Something creepy would be my guess.
Caleb doubts that Miranda's in Heaven, and everybody tries to get back with their normal significant others, but then apparently everything goes so crazy that even The Grunwald is worried, and there are spooky twins and dead bodies behind walls, and then somebody does something with Caleb's eyeball. It looks really good. I am sad that it's the last one until January, but at least we're going out on a Buckley episode.
While Olivia was running around having visions of her father's dead ex-girlfriend -- including one where all her skin was burnt off! -- Miranda was taunting the other million ghosts of Ravenswood with her perky sensibilities. The kids held a séance which almost killed them, or maybe it was the fact that Luke was being cool for the first and probably last time in their lives that almost killed them. Turns out the Matheson Twins' father was killed for looking into the Curse, which is very scary! Unless you are one of these kids, and then, it's not that interesting a fact. Miranda got stuck in the graveyard and later briefly glowed, but neither of those things seems to have stuck. The Grunwald fingered some drapes and then got the eff out of there, probably because she needed to dig some girls out of the dirt of neighboring towns, her other main hobby besides rocking your face off all the time. Oh, and Caleb is living in Uncle Collins's carriage house, where recently there was murder. Another thing that would barely interest him probably.
While all of the séance cleanup is going on, Miranda goes looking for Abby Wheeler (1975-1992), who maybe they talked to in a Ouija board. She finds Abby standing over her own gravestone with some friends. Guess how many friends? That's right, four other people who got exploded in the Science Lab back in '92. They see her coming and immediately scatter, looking terrified. Probably because of the bigger meaner ghosts that are always yelling at Miranda, or the wet demon girl, or maybe just because they're afraid Miranda will start talking to them about her mom.
Then Abby's headstone cracks right in half like she is Aslan. Maybe she is, I don't really know how all this works.
Just likes to hang out in a towel, bleeding from séance wounds, after such a rough night. He is not so great at writing an email to his girlfriend Hanna because of how nuts everything is all the time here, which will make him look like a liar or just crazy.
Dear Hanna, I am writing to tell you that you made a very bad call when you told me to stay in Ravenswood to solve the future murders of a girl we just met. You are usually pretty dependable but this time you straight boned it. I doubt that I will ever see you again, because this town is trying to kill my ass -- not a metaphor -- and I have already died eleven times just while I was writing this letter. In closing, let me say that I miss you very much, probably even more than I miss my car that disappeared. It is okay now, I have a Jeep of a murderer. Please tell Mona hi, and also to choke on butts. Love, Caleb.