Ray Donovan
Housewarming

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 30 USERS: A
YOU GRADE IT
Night Moves

Lena: "Ray, Deonte is fucking a hooker in the butt."
Ray: "Of course he is. Fatherhood has really matured him."
Lena: "Also, this particular limo driver seems to be linked to a rash of NBA baby mama drama."

Ray immediately calls Deonte to stop whatever he is doing and by all means not to ejaculate, but sadly things have progressed to the point where he has no choice. The gal spits his semen in a specimen jar -- a trick she must have learned at finishing school -- and sets it outside the room in the champagne bucket, where the limo driver has been patiently waiting for it.

(It is at this point that Van Miller, splashing cold water on his face in the FBI washroom, is treated to an adorable monkey in a suit -- complete with laminated badge -- who comes out of a stall, chirps at him, washes its hands with soap, and dries them before hopping away. You know, like how when you take LSD things like this happen.)

On his way (late) to the hotel, Deb calls about Ezra, and Ray promises to get there soon; out in the FBI hallway, Van starts going very internal and -- once the monkey has scampered off into the bright white light of infinity -- starts weirding out his coworkers (including Frank, the big guy from the Marina, who may or may not have assumed that Van Miller was about to have a very weird and/or scary day).

But worry not! The real plan of Ray is to wait in the backseat of the limo until he has secured the semen in the trunk, then strangle him until he opens the trunk, warning him that while NBA semen is the man's stock in trade, certain ejaculating morons such as Deonte Brown are off limits. That seems like a fair compromise.

VAN

Steve the Crooked Cop, last seen investigating Ezra's murder of a tree stump, is the one to pull Van Miller over. It is amazing.

Steve: "Do you have any idea how fast you were going, sir?"
Van: "...100?"
Steve: "No."
Van: "200?"
Steve: "No, you were going three. You seem under the weather."
Van: "I am having a terrible day."
Steve: "Sir, have you been drinking?"
Van, awesomely: "I had... a small amount of orange juice at my home, and one cup of coffee with two Equals and some cream."
Steve: "I'm going to have to perform a few tests, sir."
Van: "...You have an incredible voice. A truly remarkable voice."

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Ray Donovan

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