Real Housewives of New Jersey
A Bald Canary Sings

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Dancing in the Dark

Previously on Masterpiece Classics presents The Real Housewives of New Jersey: The feud between Caroline and Teresa raged on! The rest of us struggled to give two shits!

We enter upon the scintillating scene of Melissa deciding which hooker shoes to wear, probably to church or something. Her improbably named make-up artist, George Miguel, is giving her style advice. Melissa claims that a VP at a big record label in the city wants to meet her, so she's sexing it up. Even sexier than church! Soon Melissa gets a call from Kim D., owner of Posche and widely renowned hag. It turns out that Kim D. is calling to apologize to Melissa for engaging in some gossip about Joe's business. She was trying to make Joe look bad for some reason, but wants to make amends, or so she claims.

Melissa is skeptical and non-committal when Kim asks her to walk in the Posche fashion show again. She doesn't know what Kim's motive is, but suspects it has something to do with Melissa being the biggest celebrity she knows. Yes, I'm sure that's exactly it. Melissa says that she doesn't trust "these Kim girls." I guess the ghost of Kim Granatell is always, like, threatening to come back up at you from the garbage disposal or something.

Meanwhile, Teresa is giving her kids an Italian lesson. She brags about how Joe speaks Italian even better than she does, and then we cut to both of them stumbling over some Italian words in a book. Rather than making me question their knowledge of the Italian language, this scene actually reaffirms my beliefs about their functional illiteracy. Teresa speaks to Milania in Italian, and Milania in turn screams that she doesn't know what her mother is saying. As Teresa translates, Milania yells at her to be quiet. She bangs on the chalkboard with a ruler or something, as Gia criticizes Teresa's skill as a teacher and takes over. And then she yells a lot, which is I guess one kind of teaching technique. Oh no, and then Kim D. actually shows up. As she scoots off with Teresa, Gia continues to tend the class and yell at Milania not to bite her eraser. Milania clarifies that she's sucking on it. When is Milania getting a spin off?

Kim and Teresa have a glass of wine, and Kim brings up the fashion show and asks Teresa to be her guest. She doesn't want her to walk in the show, for reasons yet to be determined. As Teresa says that the Posche fashion show is always a good time, we get a montage of past atrocities, the most notable being, "Is bitch better?" Kim tells Teresa that she called Melissa to make amends and invite her to the show, hasn't yet spoken to Kathy, and plans to invite Jacqueline and Caroline. Teresa of course isn't thrilled about the idea of having to interface with Caroline, and tries unsuccessfully to bust out an Italian saying meaning, "In my eyes you're dead." She calls her mom to get the pronunciation right. As Italian as the Olive Garden, that one!

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Real Housewives of New Jersey

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