Real Housewives of New Jersey
A Bald Canary Sings

Episode Report Card
Potes: B+ | 1 USERS: A+
Dancing in the Dark

There's a big inflatable waterslide out back, and everyone seems to be running around and having fun except for stick in the mud Jacqueline, who is on a little swing with baby Nicholas. She says she thought Melissa and Teresa might want some time together, alone. Quite wisely, Melissa does not want to get involved with whatever bullshit remains between Teresa and Jacqueline. Jacks is being a total pill right now. You kind of can't blame Teresa for unfriending her.

And then it's Caface time. Caroline says that this has been a long time coming. Yes, Lauren must be all of 23 by now! She's worked so many years paying her dues at zero jobs. Ah, the sweet feeling of earning your success with blood, sweat and tears! Lauren claims to feel okay about going into business with her mom, I think mostly because Caroline is signing the checks. Caroline reminds Lauren that she gets only one day of happiness. Per lifetime. Don't waste it!

Oh, and then back to Jacqueline, who is Skyping with Ashle(y)(e), who is in L.A. I totally forgot she existed for a while! Those were surely halcyon days. Ashle(y)(e) tells funny tales about how she almost burned down her apartment complex. Hilarious! Ashle(y)(e) has a job and some new tattoos, including a big ole' "Veni Vidi Vici" on the back of her neck. She came, she saw, she conquered a really special brand of idiocy. Jacqueline clearly thinks this is a mistake, but keeps that to herself since actually giving a care about Ashle(y)(e) is way too exhausting.

And then it's Posche fashion show time! Kathy visits as Melissa has her makeup done, and expresses hopes for a drama-free evening. It's about as likely to come true as the wish that her lady parts start to taste like tiramisu. Because Melissa is so saintly and forgiving, she says that she's going to forgive and forget with Kim D. And hey, if you want to be burned repeatedly by a piece of beef jerky in a wig, be my guest.

We then cut to Teresa and Kim at the Allure Salon, where they meet a few manager types, including a PR manager named Angelo. Teresa usually has her hair and makeup done at home, but Kim D. asked her to come to the salon with her especially. And then, in her electroshock feather shoulder pad look from the interview bits, Teresa says, "I'm just hoping that, like, I don't look a little weird." Touche, editors. Angelo escorts the women upstairs and gives them a drink before dropping the information that we have seen in many a preview -- Angelo knows Melissa from when she worked for him at a gentleman's club. Kim D., who can act about as well as, well, Angelo, asks what Melissa did, and Angelo says that she danced for him for about a year. Teresa asks that Angelo kindly refrain from talking about her family as Gollum wriggles around in her chair and taps the tips of her fingers together in glee. So, the thing that all the other ladies hated Teresa for at the last reunion was staging this scene, right?

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Real Housewives of New Jersey




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