Teresa is puttering around her house in jeans, full make up, and a maternity tube top. She is walking up stairs saying, "Ow! Ow! Ow!", which can only mean one thing: that bitch's pedicurist got overzealous with the pumice stone again. Deport her back to ...er, Asia. Or the Orient? Wherever! Just don't let her touch pampered white ladies' corns again! Oh wait. It's not a pumice stone accident: She's in labor! She waddles up to the slab of mortadella she calls Joe and nudges him with her stomach: Joe, we have to go. Poor overworked Joe has no idea where he has to go. Is it time to make the doughnuts? Or the payments to the underboss? Teresa snorts, "THE HOSPITAL, YOU BIG SLAB OF MEAT!" So then we get to see Joe slither into his stone-washed Armani Exchange denim shorts and roll down stairs. In the confessional Teresa tells us that she felt pressure "down there" and since Joe was getting coffee she knew it wasn't him at her again, so labor it is! She makes the bed and starts packing and packing and packing. You know, just her jewelry and make up because the four Burberry duffel bags with her labor togs were sent ahead to the hospital. And, before you ask, YES jewelry is important. How is a baby going to know how lucky it is to be born to affluent parents if they can't bond with the bling upon entering the world? Diamonds are practically mandatory. What birthing class did you go to? Sheesh. Teresa stops every few minutes to wince and go, "Ow! ow!" some more and then continues with her chores because she is the embodiment of Woman. Jacqueline calls because they might actually really be friends, although it is awfully early in the morning for a social call and Jacqueline sounds pretty sleepy, so my guess is one of the producers called and woke her up and told her that Teresa was in labor and she should "spontaneously" call her. Jacqueline asks what Teresa is doing and Teresa explains that Joe is drinking his coffee. Still shirtless, Joe looks up, like, what? Can't a man just drink some damn coffee while his wife is in labor? It's the fourth damn kid! She can suck it up for awhile. I'll buy her some Louis Vuitton when this is over. Ugh...I bet she's going to make me put on a shirt before we go. Teresa explains that she was supposed to be at the hospital at 9 and Jacqueline points out that it is already 9. So then Teresa admits she is checking her email and Jacqueline hangs up on her, because what can you say to that? Then Gabriella (a.k.a. Daughter no. 2) wanders downstairs and Teresa makes her some French toast. WHILE IN LABOR. Obviously this requires a comment from Dina who points out that Teresa is a super mom. And she kind of is. But if you're married to a shirtless slug and have three kids and one on the way and have camera crews following you around, you sort of have to be. Joe still doesn't have a shirt on, so Teresa winces and complains that it is "hurting down there" so maybe can they go to the hospital now? Joe looks like he kind of wishes one of the producers could take her, but eventually goes and puts on actual pants and his finest Ed Hardy and they roll out. In the hospital, Teresa reapplies her lip gloss because she doesn't want to frighten the baby with unshiny lips. Joe announces, "No more babies. Well, maybe three more." Teresa says that is fine so long as they come out of him. She saw a man on the TV give birth, so she knows it's possible! I REALLY love the idea of Joe giving birth to a little salami. I would watch that show and no one would have to pay me. Teresa is finally escorted to a labor and delivery room, but is shocked to find out she has to wear a hospital gown. And * gasp* it's purple. DYING! What will the baby think?
Real Housewives of New Jersey
Episode Report CardLuluBates: A+ | 1032 USERS: B-
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Real Housewives of New Jersey