Teresa is puttering around her house in jeans, full make up, and a maternity tube top. She is walking up stairs saying, "Ow! Ow! Ow!", which can only mean one thing: that bitch's pedicurist got overzealous with the pumice stone again. Deport her back to ...er, Asia. Or the Orient? Wherever! Just don't let her touch pampered white ladies' corns again! Oh wait. It's not a pumice stone accident: She's in labor! She waddles up to the slab of mortadella she calls Joe and nudges him with her stomach: Joe, we have to go. Poor overworked Joe has no idea where he has to go. Is it time to make the doughnuts? Or the payments to the underboss? Teresa snorts, "THE HOSPITAL, YOU BIG SLAB OF MEAT!" So then we get to see Joe slither into his stone-washed Armani Exchange denim shorts and roll down stairs. In the confessional Teresa tells us that she felt pressure "down there" and since Joe was getting coffee she knew it wasn't him at her again, so labor it is! She makes the bed and starts packing and packing and packing. You know, just her jewelry and make up because the four Burberry duffel bags with her labor togs were sent ahead to the hospital. And, before you ask, YES jewelry is important. How is a baby going to know how lucky it is to be born to affluent parents if they can't bond with the bling upon entering the world? Diamonds are practically mandatory. What birthing class did you go to? Sheesh. Teresa stops every few minutes to wince and go, "Ow! ow!" some more and then continues with her chores because she is the embodiment of Woman. Jacqueline calls because they might actually really be friends, although it is awfully early in the morning for a social call and Jacqueline sounds pretty sleepy, so my guess is one of the producers called and woke her up and told her that Teresa was in labor and she should "spontaneously" call her. Jacqueline asks what Teresa is doing and Teresa explains that Joe is drinking his coffee. Still shirtless, Joe looks up, like, what? Can't a man just drink some damn coffee while his wife is in labor? It's the fourth damn kid! She can suck it up for awhile. I'll buy her some Louis Vuitton when this is over. Ugh...I bet she's going to make me put on a shirt before we go. Teresa explains that she was supposed to be at the hospital at 9 and Jacqueline points out that it is already 9. So then Teresa admits she is checking her email and Jacqueline hangs up on her, because what can you say to that? Then Gabriella (a.k.a. Daughter no. 2) wanders downstairs and Teresa makes her some French toast. WHILE IN LABOR. Obviously this requires a comment from Dina who points out that Teresa is a super mom. And she kind of is. But if you're married to a shirtless slug and have three kids and one on the way and have camera crews following you around, you sort of have to be. Joe still doesn't have a shirt on, so Teresa winces and complains that it is "hurting down there" so maybe can they go to the hospital now? Joe looks like he kind of wishes one of the producers could take her, but eventually goes and puts on actual pants and his finest Ed Hardy and they roll out. In the hospital, Teresa reapplies her lip gloss because she doesn't want to frighten the baby with unshiny lips. Joe announces, "No more babies. Well, maybe three more." Teresa says that is fine so long as they come out of him. She saw a man on the TV give birth, so she knows it's possible! I REALLY love the idea of Joe giving birth to a little salami. I would watch that show and no one would have to pay me. Teresa is finally escorted to a labor and delivery room, but is shocked to find out she has to wear a hospital gown. And * gasp* it's purple. DYING! What will the baby think?
Caroline's above average son Chris has a plan for his life: CAR WASH. Caroline explains that Albie started law school, but Christopher wants to go into business for himself. He wants to own car washes. She says this with absolutely no hint of judgment in her voice, which is truly amazing to me. Like there is no difference between law school and car washes in her world. I kind of love her for that. It's like she has fully accepted Chris' limitations and supports his plan because THAT is the color of his parachute. Besides, he is totally going to be living at home for the rest of his life. She woefully adds that they don't have any carwashes, so they can't just give him a few, but they have friends who own carwashes, so they are going to set him up. Their putative friend Rick comes into the office at The Brownstone and gives Chris his car wash for the day. Caroline asks Chris if he can handle an entire day at a carwash and Chris mutely nods his head up and down like a gelled-up Bobblehead. As soon as Rick leaves, Chris admits he has a few big ideas for the car wash. Namely: nudity. Caroline asks if it is the kind of nudity that will make her proud, which also kind of makes me love her more, or the kind of nudity that will mortify her. I, for one, am really curious as to where and how she draws that particular line. Chris promises to do his mom proud. Then Albie, the Golden Child, explains that really, Chris is a great salesman. No, really.
Danielle and her daughters head for dinner at a local restaurant. They are rudely seated right next to the kitchen, but sadly Danielle doesn't start chucking bread rolls or stamping her feet. Instead, she and Christine discuss the trials of the modeling world, while Jillian stares blankly into space. But at least Jillian gets to eat real food (gnocchi with pink sauce!) while the model and her youth-craving mother subsist on salad. Ah...family dinners.
Back at the hospital, Teresa is calling everyone she knows in between her contractions. Joe taps his foot and really wishes he was breaking somebody's kneecaps or eating some nice prosciutto instead of watching his wife birth his fourth kid. Teresa is juggling phone calls and at one point is on both phones chit chatting. She hilariously has a contraction while talking to Dina and is all "Hold on: ow ow ow ow. Why does it hurt? Okay, yes, I tried to shave my chuckie." The labor nurse is wildly amused. Then it's time for the blessed epidural and it looks as awful as I always suspected. They plunge a giant ass needle into her spine and, poor woman, the only support system she has is Joe who stands there like the side of beef that he is and tries to watch the game on the television set over her head. Teresa claims the only thing that will relax her is diamonds, so Joe says he will go to Africa and get her one and Teresa is truly shocked that diamonds come from Africa. Yeah, that about sounds right. But Teresa, I was confident you would be well-versed in the Leonard DiCaprio oeuvre. Also, this is how Naomi Campbell got in trouble and now she is getting hauled in front of a war crimes tribunal for accepting a blood diamond. So be careful Teresa!
Ashley comes to apologize to Jacqueline for being a bitchy teenager and Jacqueline is happy to accept the apology. Especially because she has big plans for Ashley: A LIFE COACH. Ashley is underwhelmed. She already has a plan! What's the big life goal? Two semesters in fashion merchandising at a community college and then transferring somewhere. Jacqueline is unimpressed with this plan, even though it totally worked for Reese Witherspoon in Legally Blonde and, honestly, is probably the right path for Ashley.
Speaking of being on the right path to a career, Chris is at Scores, a ...um, gentlemen's club in Manhattan. Chris is doing a one-day internship at Scores, which I think means he doesn't have to pay the admission fee or buy the bottle service. Because while Chris wants to go into the car wash business, what he really wants to do is go into the naked car wash business. He seems to think he came up with this idea. Caroline is okay with this plan, so long as it isn't "skankalicious", which is a word she clearly picked up from Bernie Kerik. Obviously Albie takes advantage of his brother's one-day job and hits Scores for a few post-Torts class drinks. Just to support Chris, tho, ma!
Even after the epid