Jacqueline: "It would be nice to have a normal relationship with her, and I feel left out of parenting."
Chris: "You should tell her that."
Jacqueline: "Number one, I tell her that every episode. Number two, I don't know if I was clear about this, but fuck her. Fuck that girl. I don't care how she feels right now. She has done absolutely everything humanly possible to drive this truck into the ditch -- let's see what happens."
The four parents stand around and stare at each other in mute wonderment about what a worthless bitch Ashley is. They are shell-shocked. They have been through something.
Kathy: "I am going to be a caterer and open a restaurant and write bakery cookbooks. In order to accomplish these things, I am going to become a Goddess. First, I need a snake oil salesman to come clear out the evil of the house."
Zen Jen: "I have a bottle of sand and some sage to burn, and whatever else is dumb."
Rich: "My wife has a lot of ideas. This is one of them."
They burn out a bunch of some energies and then attract some other energies. Zen Jen is wearing all the bracelets that ever existed. Then everybody sits around making wishes. I like Kathy, but it's shit like this that makes you look so dumb.
Ashley: "Man, I hate my mom."
Lauren: "Man, my mom hates me."
Ashley: "When you asked me to do this art or whatever, I felt like you were doing something nice for me. But now that you want me to accomplish it, I feel like you're being mean."
Lauren: "I kind of knew you were going to flake on me with this, but I went through with it anyway because I'm nice. You burn every bridge with a sort of reckless shittiness."
Ashley: Instantly starts smile-crying for no reason.
Lauren: "So now you're being victimized this way too? What a coincidence that everybody's against you all the time."
Ashley: "Yeah, it really gets me down."
Lauren: "I think maybe you realize that you suck on such a fundamental level that the question of living up to anyone's expectations is already kind of moot."
Ashley: "That's true, which is mean. Reality makes me smile-cry."