Previously on Masterpiece Presents: The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Christopher and Albie were "opening" a "restaurant," where they might finally "earn" a "salary." Melissa was "writing" a "book" with marriage "advice." Rosie announced that she hadn't had sex in six years (no quote marks there), and refused to try online dating since it's filled with freaks and she's met her lifetime freak quota with people who share her DNA. And the family retreat in the Adirondikes seemed to yield some promising results for the Gorgas and Giudices, thanks to the efforts of Dr. Vajayjay. The rift between Teresa and Jacqueline grew, though, and caused some serious mascara runnage on Teresa's already compromised face.
We enter at a construction site of some sort, where Joe is in a hard hat and operating a digging machine (that is a very technical term, by the way). Melissa has brought the kids to visit him at work, and tells us that things have been going really well business-wise since the Adirondikes. Joe yells about good and bad dirt, then takes a call from someone named Rob Horndog, who is the owner of an establishment called Sizzle Tans. Yes, I just said Sizzle Tans. Joe agrees to do something, in "normal shorts." I assume this is some sort of modeling opportunity that requires only Underoos, spray-on hair and a healthy level of comfort with horror. We then learn that Joe and Melissa have an opportunity to be on a Sizzle Tans BILLBOARD, I imagine in a sort of, "Welcome to Jersey! Now don't you want to get the eff out of here?" messaging context. Melissa declines, saying it's all Joe. Joe in turn tells us that, not to brag, but he's perfect. Do you think he has spray-on muscles too? Joe then surmises that the real reason Melissa doesn't want to be on the Sizzle Tans billboard (and couldn't you say Sizzle Tans over and over for hours? Sizzle Tans Sizzle Tans Sizzle Tans Sizzle Tans!) is because Teresa has already done it. We see Teresa's Sizzle Tans commercial, which is as hilarious as one might imagine, and Melissa admits that she indeed doesn't want to dip her hands in Teresa's sloppy seconds, especially since they're now at a good place. Joe then has Melissa drive some sort of construction machine, and she runs over the whole family. Happy ending!
We then transition to Teresa shrieking. It turns out she's mad that Audriana hasn't learned how to dress her own Barbies, and is interrupting her cooking. Gabriela, heretofore known as the normal one, is helpfully folding napkins. Then she asks, "Mommy… how much adults is there?" and I die. It turns out that Teresa is hosting her brother and family for dinner, and Milania yells that she loves having family over before informing Audriana that she will NOT be playing with her and Antonia. The girls make a sign welcoming their cousins to the toy room, and then Teresa asks Milania if she's going to cook for her husband one day. She says that no, he'll cook for her, which is a #1 A+ answer.