Real Housewives of New Jersey
Best Friends for Never

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Many thanks to Jacob for covering last week's hat-infused shenanigans with his usual aplomb!

We enter this week's episode of Neanderthal Theatre with some construction. It's Juicy, apparently doing home repairs to Casa de Bankrupta. Teresa loves how sexy he looks while strutting about cement piles in his unironic wifebeater, but is less fond of the fact that their house looks like a junkyard. They do say that a person's house is an external reflection of his grimy, grimy soul. Apparently Juicy is building a garage so he can store all of his "equipment," like backhoes or mistresses or barrels full of Chianti from which he takes his nightly sponge bath. Teresa is dubious as Juicy describes plans for a car port that won't be attached to the house, but is won over the minute he mentions that there will be a chandelier. She assures us that going bankrupt doesn't mean a) that you're poor; b) that you crawl into a hole and die. Upon point b we can add a wistful, "Unfortunately." Speaking of holes, Teresa spies some frogs in one of the backyard ditches, which Juicy plans to memorialize in concrete. She tells the kids not to touch them, because frogs give warts. I just...sigh.

Oh God, and then we move on to Joe Gorga and his haunted mill building that he's turning into condos or whatever. He's with architect John Bleeker, who is also working on Juicy and Teresa's carport. It turns out that their carport is going to look exactly like the Gorga's carport. Oooh, NOW who's the copycat? And even more importantly, WHO FUCKING CARES? The last time I gave a rat about copying, I was in fifth grade and pinstripe jeans were involved! God I hope they gut this show just like they did with Real Housewives of New York. I would start with the Gorgas, because they bring nothing aside from the ability to agitate Teresa. Kathy I would keep, though. She's somehow the only person on this show who manages never to be gross, and that's worth retaining. Joe Gorga learns that Juicy and Teresa are building a garage, into which they plan to install Joe and Teresa's parents. Joe is NOT thrilled about the idea of his beloved parents who may or may not speak to him on a regular basis having to live above a garage. He tells us that for the past ten years, his parents have lived in a house that he owns. He decided to sell the house, and now has been paying rent on it, but is looking for another little one-story ranch house for them. Or, maybe they'll live above the garage. I'm usually all about the old people, but it's hard for me to muster a care about what happens to the two beings whose collective DNA produced THIS. Oh my God, do you think they were COUSINS? There could be some Middlesex shit unfolding right before our eyes!

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Real Housewives of New Jersey

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