Real Housewives of New Jersey
Best Friends for Never

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Meanwhile, Caroline and fat fat fatty Lauren have lunch, and Caroline is taken aback when Lauren orders a fruit cup. At first I thought she was taken aback because that is clearly not a hearty enough lunch, but in fact Caroline is wondering what's up with Lauren's crazy liquid egg whites diet from Dr. Perricone. Happily, Lauren has realized that it's bullshit, and/or just wants to enjoy her summer. She thinks that maybe if she works on the diet on her own, it'll help her as a person. And then, ha! Caroline says, "Well, I think it's a good idea...because I don't want it to be a head trip for you." Yes, Caroline, who has been so careful not to give her daughter any head trips around her weight issues! Caroline tells us that Lauren is a food addict. She knows what's going to happen, but doesn't want to tell Lauren that, because she doesn't want Lauren to think that she has no faith in her. Oh, but why not tell it to a camera crew and all of America? Then Lauren will clearly be fooled into thinking that she is a wonderful and supportive mother. Lauren has this perception that everyone sees Caroline and Albert as having lost all kinds of weight, and Chris and Albie as being good looking, while she is just sad and chubby and unloved. (I added that last part, which is obviously the truest part.) Albert co-signs that Lauren has no self-control, and tells us that when all else fails he'll get her a lap band. Oh my God, and then Caroline ends this touching segment by telling Lauren, "You have to lose a couple of pounds. So what? It doesn't make you a failure. It makes you a little chunk-a-mug! That's all you are!" Seriously, I have heard Janice Dickinson be nicer to plus-sized people.

We then catch up with Jacqueline, who is Skyping with Ashle(y)(e)'s biological dad, Matt. Ashle(y)(e) has been staying with Matt in Texas, thus giving him an opportunity to realize how truly terrible she is. She's been up all night, sleeping all day, and generally being a mess. Jacqueline takes this moment to go grab some Bailey's to put in her morning coffee, because she has intuited that Matt is kicking Ashle(y)(e) out. He takes the view that if she wants to go to California, they should just let her figure out how to pay her own way and go. Jacqueline worries about all the horrible things that could happen to Ashle(y)(e) were this to occur, but still is not prepared to invite her to come back to Jersey and stay with them. In the end, the only decision she makes is to continue further down into an alcoholic spiral. It's really the only logical thing to do at this point.

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Real Housewives of New Jersey

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