Real Housewives of New Jersey
Black As Ink

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Lady Lola: B- | Grade It Now!
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Book Undermining

The Wakiles make it to the Aladdin restaurant, where they greet the Manzos, Lauritas, and Gorgas. Belly dancers shimmy and hookahs spout out smoke plumes as Rich gives the Italians a hard time for craving pasta and bread in a restaurant full of hummus and kefta. Soon enough, the hookah pipes make their way over to the gang's table. Caroline is concerned about the hygiene of sharing a few pipes between all these people, but Kathy deems the experience relaxing and sensual. Relaxing, maybe. Sensual? The smoke seeping out of various nostrils begs to differ.

Things get increasingly trippy as the ladies and gents continue to partake of the pipe. Joe transitions from declaring he wants to smell Melissa's armpit to announcing to the group that Melissa has a huge scar (that he wants to bite?) from open-heart surgery when she was a child. It's a really random expositional digression that I think is meant to express Melissa's indomitable spirit. She explains that she was dancing and singing a month after she got out of the hospital. I couldn't tell you for sure what the point of this little side story is, though, because it's mainly just random and weird and hookah-induced.

Luckily Richie sparkling cake comes a moment later, and they stop talking about Joe chewing on Melissa's scars. Oh, but wait! Because then the belly dancers are back out, and he heads out to the floor to gyrate his pelvis with them. Can you tell a singular person to get a room? If you can, Joe Gorga is a prime candidate. We get a palate cleanser when Kathy's kick-ass sister Rosie makes it rain for the shimmying ladies. Soon enough, everyone is out on the floor. Jacqueline is especially spirited with her undulations. Melissa, however, as Richie puts it, "Can't fuckin' dance to save her life." I'm pretty sure she walks like an Egyptian at one point. The only people left at the tables are Caroline, Chris, and Lauren, who snarks, "I don't think the three of us could get more Italian right now."

The next day, Teresa heads over to Jacqueline's house to show her the ugliest damn fur you've ever seen in your life. It's hot pink with purple streaks and random pieces that hang down and flap about. Says Teresa, "You know me. I have to stand out." Well you're assured of as much if you put that horrifying thing on. Apparently, this is what she plans to wear to the grand opening of Lauren's cosmetics line at Chateau. Jacqueline's outfitted (a studded, one-shoulder lycra number) is positively understated next to Teresa's, though she's concerned because her arms aren't toned yet. Teresa tells her she needs to get toned before they head to Punta Cana in a few weeks on the group trip.

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Real Housewives of New Jersey

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