Real Housewives of New Jersey

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Bye-Bye, Deformed Boobs

So, if I'd known when I volunteered to fill in for LuluBates that I'd miss out on the Dina-Danielle drama (and on crazy cat lady Dina completely), I might not have done it. Oh, who am I kidding? There will be plenty to make fun of and laugh at (not with) even without her. Let's begin. In case you forgot, last week, Danielle said she felt unsexy, as she showed her ass and did a strip-tease. Kim G. played both sides. And Dina left forever. The lucky bitch. Welcome to Franklin Lakes, N.J., home of crazies, wackos and stereotypes.

Caroline, Teresa and Jacqueline have a meal that starts out being all about mourning the loss of Dina. But, since this is this show, it quickly turns into the ladies bitching about what happened with Danielle two weeks ago or whenever. And now they're blaming Danielle for Dina leaving, since Dina was such a selfless person and Danielle drove her to the difficulty of having to not be filmed. They worry Danielle's going to come after them next. Because exactly what she wants to do to stay semi-semi-famous is to force everyone out of the show so that there is no show left. Not that I'm saying Danielle would be smart enough to even think this far ahead, but what would the show be without the fighting? Danielle getting her fourth set of breast implants?

Oh, right. So, Danielle's meeting with a plastic surgeon to talk about her three previous breast augmentations (she doesn't know the word "condescending," but if it's a word related to her boob jobs, she's all over it). Anyway, she tells the doctor that one of the bubbies is bad (try both): "It's hard, cold and doesn't get a body temperature at all to it." The doctor says she'll have to take the implant out because her body's walling it off to keep the infection from going from the bubby to the body. Danielle tells us how much she suffers because of the implants. She flashes the doctor her breasts and he hides his horror and just says, "Okay, this is clearly going to need to be redone." He tells her he'll call in one of the country's leading "breast revision surgeons." I can't believe that's a thing. Although, with all of these Housewives shows, I should probably be able to believe it. Danielle thinks this is the beginning of feeling desirable again.

Lauren puts makeup on her friend, Kathryn, for avant-garde day at school (Make-up Designory) when her mom shows up, all proud of her for being so good at putting crazy makeup on other people. Lauren's horrified at her mother's pride in her. The scene is basically an excuse for Caroline to tell us how great her kids are. That's right, folks. This is as exciting as it gets now.

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Real Housewives of New Jersey

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