Real Housewives of New Jersey

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DeAnn Welker: C | Grade It Now!
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Bye-Bye, Deformed Boobs

Danielle wakes up in the recovery room. Her first words are, "How do they look?" Of course. The doctor says she's going to love them and sends her home. Danielle tells us she was a little loopy and "felt a little out-of-control, and I'm not used to that." Oh, God, give me a break. Loopy and out-of-control are Danielle's natural states. Danielle's girls are so happy to see her, and Jillian tells us how happy she is to help her mom out. Danielle's new breasts symbolize everything new to her. Please just kill me if I ever say my boobs symbolize anything larger about my life.

Teresa's literally rolled out the red carpet and put up a velvet rope for her party. Joe thinks Teresa's showing a little too much cleavage, since everyone's going to be seeing it. Teresa loves the over-the-top party room, which she says "is so me." And she thinks Elvira's great, even though she's totally annoying. Kim D. and Kim G. are hanging out, and they tell Lauren they had a bottle of wine on the way. It was most likely force-fed to them by the show's producers to try to stir up some alcohol-induced drama. I mean, what's their choice, with Danielle in post-op lockdown. Teresa and Joe dance awkwardly followed by the fire eaters and break dancers we heard about earlier. Teresa calls Caroline and Jacqueline up to praise them publicly, and then Kim D. brings herself up into the spotlight and hugs Teresa, totally wasted. It's really not drama -- just drunkenness -- but Caroline and the show want us to think it's something more. Teresa loves it, though: "My kind of girl."

Kim D. and Ashley start talking shit about Danielle, and Caroline's super-annoyed. She doesn't want to hear that name ever. She says Danielle's "like parsley; she's everywhere." She butts in and tells them not to muddy this house with that name. Kim G. pulls Caroline aside and tells her that Jacqueline's obsessed with Danielle. Caroline just tells her to shut up, and if she wants to be Jacqueline's friend not to mention Danielle again. Jacqueline overhears it and calls out Kim G. on coming to her and talking to her about Danielle. Jacqueline says she's not obsessed; she's angry. Jacqueline storms off from the Kims.

Next week: More school issues for Albie. Kim D. invites Teresa to a party that Danielle might be at. And then... ta-da! She is. And we all know what that means? Catfight! (And I cannot be asked to watch whatever musical moment Andy Cohen's telling us Danielle's about to have. I already had to watch her boob job; isn't that enough suffering?)

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Real Housewives of New Jersey

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