Real Housewives of New Jersey

Episode Report Card
Mindy Monez: C | 1 USERS: C-

Dina's house; time for some earthy shit. She has an "energist" named, I shit you not, "Zen Jen" come over to counsel her regarding Danielle. Dina explains that she wants to stay away from Danielle, but that she feels mean avoiding her. She needs "Zen Jen" to show her the way to do this in a fashion that lines up with the patchouli gods of Gaia or something. "Zen Jen's" advice is to "tell her." Just tell her! Dina is going to tell her. She has no sympathy for Danielle's bad childhood anymore because, and again, I wish I were kidding, "Oprah was abused." She invoked not only Oprah, but Oprah's tragedies! This means war.

Danielle's house; her dog has butt worms. Danielle's realtor comes over to tell her her house is depreciated without costly renovations, and since her ex-husband isn't going to give her the money for said renovations, Danielle will be taking the house off the market. Which sounds very sad until Teresa interviews that Danielle could always get a job to pay for the house herself, as she has not been stricken with being "too pretty to work." We should all be so lucky!

Teresa is having a dinner party on the eve of Gia's Fashion Week gig. Caroline comes over with one of her sons I can't tell apart, and Gia demonstrates her runway walk for all. Joe soon comes home, but it's not soon enough, as Teresa has had dinner ready since five and the kids are starving. Teresa does this to me all the time where she drones on about some domestic convention from the 1950s that she's embraced and I get very bored and kind of zone out, and then all of a sudden, out of absolute nowhere, she just blurts something like "We have sex every day! Sometimes twice!" And then I'm bored and startled and grossed out, which is a very awkward combination of feelings. She's like a tactless cheetah, pouncing on me with claws made out of her "chuckie." (Ew. Now I'm just as bad as she is.)

Fashion week; Bryant Park. Joe, Teresa and Gia are in the Lincoln Tunnel when Joe does that thing that certain dads do that I cannot stand, where he says really mean things to his child that is supposed to be a hilarious joke? I have never understood this, and I certainly don't understand why Teresa thinks it's OK. Joe just keeps insisting to Gia that she's ugly and disgusting and that the catwalk is going to reject her ugly 8-YEAR-OLD ass until the little girl is crying in the backseat. To which Joe sensitively says "Now you're going to be the ugly duckling onstage. Everybody's going to see you crying." Then he mocks her little child tears and tells her he's going to make her ride on the roof of the car. Fuck that fucking homophobic child-berating asshole ape. That is all.

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Real Housewives of New Jersey




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