Real Housewives of New Jersey

Episode Report Card
admin: A+ | Grade It Now!

Are you ready viewers? Are you ready, America? Because, IT IS TIME. If you can recall back two weeks ago (I can't, having wasted all my viable brain cells on watching reality television and re-runs of Flipper, luckily I has DVR) there was some tension in the air at the North Jersey Country Club. Teresa, Jacqueline, and Danielle were all within 100 feet of each other proving that they don't actually have restraining orders on each other. Both Kims were there, too, squeezing as close to possible to the actual *cough* stars of the show in their desperate need to be famous for all the wrong reasons and to mortify their children in every possible way.

Teresa, either at a producer's prodding or of her own mean girl volition, has decided to kick things up a notch with Danielle. So instead of just letting Danielle leave without making a scene and go home and journal on her Facebook fan page and then cry herself to sleep on a leopard print rug with a bottle of Barolo as a pillow using a stray Shih Tzu to dry her tears, Teresa decides to stake out the exits. This despite the fact that elder statesman (and shaving enthusiast) Caroline explained that the only way they would win [the Miss Congeniality award?] is by doing nothing.

Danielle walks by, head held high and Teresa stops her, demanding that Danielle pay homage or at least pretend to be civil. Kim G. thinks paying attention to Teresa sounds like a GREAT IDEA, so at the urging of her famewhore frenemy Danielle goes back and says a fake hello. Teresa didn't appreciate The Tone of her hello, because in her world, fake forced greetings are much more heartfelt. Danielle doesn't feel like playing along any more, but Teresa who is apparently making the most of Mommy's Night Out (and also, way off her meds) escalates things by calling Danielle a bitch out of the blue. Then cruel heartless Bravo decided that we were having too much fun for the evening and we were going to get ourselves wound up before bedtime and they CUT US OFF. But, we know what we're in for: There's gonna be a fight. Whee? Whee.

And so it begins. Teresa has posted herself by the exit and Jacqueline has joined her in the vague hope of talking her down from her purportedly "nice" mission. This does not work. Danielle walks by, Teresa demands a hello, Danielle looks rightly skeptical, and then Teresa starts swearing up and down that she is the "nicest girl" and "the sweetest girl". Danielle is like, um, no sweetie, I don't know that about you. TERESA IS FUCKING NICE. BELIEVE IT BITCH! Danielle (and I hate to say it, but so far I am firmly Team Danielle right now) tells her not to attack her, but it's too late for Nice Girl Teresa. She stands up, starts bobbing her head, and reminding Danielle that she is "from Patterson". Being a nice girl from Oregon, I have no idea what it means to be "from Patterson" other than that Teresa is bobbing her head and z-snapping all over the place so I guess they dance a lot in Patterson?

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Real Housewives of New Jersey




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