Real Housewives of New Jersey

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Smackdown

In the parking lot outside of Posche, Jacqueline who may or may not have been shopping at Kim D.'s stupidly named boutique, gets a phone call from The Energist. Yes, spell check, I know that is a made up word. The Energist describes who she is and what she does and Jacqueline tries to explain to this woman that Danielle is the only thing upsetting her energy. The Energist swears she can help right over the phone, which I guess rules out a blow job. Does Jacqueline want help? Does she want her energy soothed? Jacqueline wearily agrees and then pulls up a game on her iPhone and plays while The Energist tries to work her energy magic. Then The Energist channels positive energy through the phone in to Jacqueline's Range Rover while I slam my head into my laptop over and over again.

Of course Eat Pray Love advertises during this show. Of course! I bet Julia Roberts has an energist, too.

Albie stops by his parents' house to tell him his plan of attack. If the school tosses him out for academic failure, he can't even apply to another school for two years. That's what ticks him off. So his lawyer has suggested he get a letter from his school that will allow him to apply to other schools who are just dying to have an academically questionable student give them $47,000 a year. Caroline, being a good mother, thinks Albie's plan is great and that if he keeps making plans like that he will make a great lawyer, even though the lawyer he paid was actually the person who came up with that plan. Maybe she can take his torts class for him too!

Danielle goes to meet Kim G. at a diner. You know that they are still upset because they are eating cheese-covered carbs in public. Over cheese fries, Danielle reminds Kim G. that she doesn't like to complain about people ...sorry I can't finish that sentence, laughing too hard. Anyway, long story short: Danielle wants to press charges against Ashley, which comes as a surprise to exactly no one.

Jacqueline wants to talk to Ashley about The Big Fight. Ashley is as thick headed as ever and swears that she has every right to do whatever she wants including pulling Danielle's hair for no apparent reason on national television. Ashley is pretty sure that hair pulling along with voting and buying porn are just part of the fun of being 18. Also, putting up nasty things on Facebook. It's her right as an adult! Jacqueline is really regretting dropping Ashley on her head so much as a child. Time to pull out the big guns: Chris wants to talk. When Ashley won't listen to actual reason, he pulls out the financial ones. Who is going to pay for her lawyer when she gets arrested for assault? Ashley shrugs and Jacqueline realizes that the only way Ashley will learn her lesson is to Chris wisely points out that Ashley is just making a crazy person crazier and Danielle is a real life criminal, which is brave new territory for reality television. In sum, Ashley needs to shape up or ship out.

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Real Housewives of New Jersey

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