Real Housewives of New Jersey
Dinasty of Denial

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Previously on Masterpiece Classics presents The Real Housewives of New Jersey: OH MY GOD, WHEN WILL IT END? Real Housewives of New Jersey: Season Purgatory. I can't tell you which circle of Hell exactly we're dwelling in, but rest assured that it's one of the hotter ones. Literally every day I Google "Real Housewives of New Jersey finale." Keep hope alive, I say.

We enter with Joe Gorga making pancakes for his family. Judging by the giant tub of Country Crock conspicuously in the frame, he has a chemical-buttery endorsement deal of some sort. It is apparently the first day of school, and Antonia is heading into the first grade. She munches pancakes and looks on suspiciously as Joe and Melissa talk about how crazy things got at the end of the Napa trip. Melissa notes that Teresa apologized and apologized, but Caroline would not forgive her. Joe thinks that maybe Caroline needs to stop talking about who said what, and also stop ruining people's vacations. Both of them wonder what was up with Jacqueline, and Melissa feels bad that they left without talking to her. Joe reiterates that Teresa is his sister, and he's always going to back her up. You know, except for all those times earlier this season when he didn't.

We then cut over to Teresa, who is awakening Milania -- yay!!! -- for her first day of school. Gia does not want to wake up, and Teresa goes on a tickling rampage. Juicy apparently should be making sandwiches, but instead is sleeping. That sort of sums up his role generally, doesn't it? Teresa is a little worried that Milania is going to terrorize all of kindergarten. I think that is a safe bet. Milania asks Gabriella if she'll see her at school. Gabriella says that at recess she will see Milania, but cannot play with her. Milania argues that Gabriella can indeed play with her, and Gabriella just yells, "No!" I mean, fair enough. She's probably worried for her own safety. We cut back and forth between the Gorgas and the Giudices, and while Milania manages to get on the bus successfully, the Gorgas are dicking around so much with the video camera that Antonia totally misses the bus. Melissa has to run back and get the car to drive her. Joe of course videotapes her ass as she runs.

Back at the Giudices, the littlest kid -- Audriana -- is now home alone. I mean, with Joe and Teresa, which is only marginally better company that a black hole of emptiness. She doesn't seem to mind the loss of her sisters, preferring the company of her dolls. Juicy and Teresa talk about the big Napa blowout, and Teresa says that she's done with Caroline. Joe could really give a rat about Caroline, and thinks that Teresa was wasting her breath with niceties and apologies. Instead, he would have told Caroline to go dye her hair. Oooh, good one? The best part of this is that they're sitting at a kiddie table the whole time. Maybe that's the only furniture they were able to keep post-bankruptcy. Teresa notes that she and Caroline were never the best of friends, and that in fact Caroline is feuding with several of her siblings. Juicy tells Teresa that it's none of her business, and adds a hearty, "Shut up." Even after four children, romance is still alive! Teresa's plan going forward is to be cordial to Caroline and nothing more. Joe and Teresa then talk about how fun it was to hang out with Joe and Melissa and Richie, but Joe adds that Kathy turned on them and is two-faced. He says that she looks like one of those stress dolls with bulgy eyes when you squeeze them. That's... kind of true. She's got really big eyes! Pretty eyes, says Teresa. Huge frog eyes, says Joe.

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Real Housewives of New Jersey

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