But the irony is that it's Teresa they're talking about. You don't have to start anything with her. She is a monster. She is rigged to blow. She wakes up on the attack. She is a deeply unhappy person with a grip of personal problems. Just sit back. Have a Bay Breeze and holler when you're bored.
I mean, I realize the producers were like, "Have a conversation that gives us a sense of foreboding about how you trashy bitches are going to act at the thing," but "Here's hoping Teresa doesn't act like an animal from the zoo" is not that conversation.
ALSO I STILL HAVE NO IDEA WHO KATHY IS
Kim D leads the Caroline Axis into the ready room, and it's super scary, and Teresa kisses Melissa on the cheek and says hello.
Melissa: "That bitch. I knew she was going to be polite. Didn't I say she was going to be perfectly cordial? What an asshole."
Teresa: "Melissa doesn't phase me. Do I look phased?"
No girl, you look crunk. You look scathed.
Caroline: Has the audacity to speak to Melissa with actual kindness and respect, considering this is her family's business.
Teresa: 100% not having that shit. You can see her toes curl with rage.
Caroline: Continues to be warm, inviting, classy and sweet.
Teresa, from several feet away: "Caroline! Caroliiiine! CAROLINE!"
Caroline: "Um, nice talking to you guys. Have a great night, okay?"
As annoying and overbearing and smothering and child-identified as Caroline is, I love moments like this where her whole "don't get ruffled," professional, grownup thing shines through. She is so much more beautiful when she's not plotting or stewing. Best smile on the show.
Teresa: "Well, I can't get mad at Caroline, because she's the only person that even pretends I'm acceptable, so clearly this behavior of Caroline's, much like my own behavior at all times, is Melissa's fault. That bitch! Getting all talked-to-politely and professionally-schmoozed by my friend. Poor Caroline, forced to act like an adult by Melissa's mind games."
Teresa has a weird, slurred to-do with her hairdresser that sounds like drunk dolphins fighting, but he calls her a bitch and she laughs it off, which is kind of cool.
You can actually hear Jacqueline put the popcorn in the microwave at this point.
BEEP BEEP BEEP
Lauren and Jacqueline, they're basically sisters -- I think? -- so it's fun to watch them hang out while they do makeup. Jacqueline talks about getting plastic surgery, and how she misses her perky wild-eyed bellybutton of yore.