Last season on The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Horrors. Horrors. Blubber, blubber and blubber. Horrors. Why are they making us relive this? My personal PTSD is raging right now. I'm writing this recap from under the couch and scratching "HELP ME" into the hardwoods with the nail of my index finger. Thanks a lot, Andy Cohen.
Sigh. So, it's November 2012 and we're in Seaside Heights, New Jersey. The various beach-oriented (or orientated, as they would say) Housewives are driving around and surveying post-Sandy damage. From within a one-shoulder lacy black dress, Melissa Gorga tells us that Sandy's a bitch, and we get legit news footage to underscore the fact that this was a real natural disaster, and not just Teresa talking up some new alcoholic beverage that she's endorsing. There is home video footage of the Manzos helping in relief efforts (or maybe just shopping at Costco), and Caroline says that they lost power for twelve days, which is no big deal compared to people whose homes were literally swept into the ocean. Jacqueline also had minimal damage, with only downed trees and a power outage. Wouldn't it have been amazing if the hurricane only targeted homes of current and former Jersey Housewives? And then we all heard a big, booming voice saying, "You're next, Zolciak." Not that I wish ill on any of these people. Except when I do, constantly.
The National Guard is in Seaside Heights, rerouting Kathy and Richie from... nothing, since they don't actually own a house there. They're just driving around talking about how they once had a rental. Kathy and her new nose tell us that cell phone service is spotty and so they have no communication with anyone. Well, then, why go for a disaster joyride? Melissa grew up on the Jersey shore, and of course has a summer Casa de Grodiness there, so has a special attachment. She says the whole place feels like a junkyard. We see Melissa and Joe Gorga go into their summer home, which smells of seawater and burgeoning mold. That has to be better than Joe Gorga's natural smell. The furniture is destroyed, and the pool outside is filled with gunk. A little kid car sits atop the rubble outside of Teresa and Juicy's shore home, which is also in bad shape. Teresa thanks God that this is only her second home, since she couldn't imagine being homeless like so many people were. She may have had to auction off all her furniture, but she still had a roof! You'll be happy to know that in the course of exploring her destroyed home she says the word "drownded."