Real Housewives of New Jersey

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Fun with Meat

Oh, good, tonight's episode starts with Danielle. She's always good for some drama. ...Or, for talking about real estate and the overwhelming awesomeness of Danielle's green marble bathroom and... well, bidets, which are, of course, "super super important". When the realtor opens a closet and gets trapped under a cascade of L'eggs, Sun In and fake gold jewelry, Danielle mentions that she doesn't have time to clean closets, what with 21 rooms to take care of in her mansion. Then Danielle spends some time bad-mouthing her ex, who hasn't bothered to keep up with molding repairs, nail holes in the walls, and bidet maintenance what with not living there anymore. Dick. Then she makes the realtor feel all kinds of awkward by crying in front of her because the house has lost half a million in value since the divorce settlement. She wants to move on with her life, no, really, why don't you believe her? But she can't until she makes up for her real estate losses. Dina helpfully pipes in that she feels really bad for Danielle's daughters. No, really, why don't you believe her? Then Danielle cries some more and mentions that she wants to move on.

Caroline and Jacqueline are waiting for Teresa, who is late to lunch. They call and she swears she is pulling out of her driveway, but she's running late because she has to 4-wheel it over a mountain of party dresses, tap shoes and Joe, who is trying to pull her out of her dress and trying to get some nookie. She finally arrives looking every bit of nine months pregnant and squeezed like a salami into a pink paisley dress. Obviously, she talks about her sex life with Joe, because nothing complements a nice pear and arugula salad like talking about being manhandled by your meatpie of a husband. She didn't get on top last night! TMYK. Since sex is not nearly awkward enough of a conversation topic to put the ladies off their feed, Teresa demands to know if Jacqueline has talked to Danielle. Jacqueline takes a deep breath and admits that they talk and that she wouldn't snub her on the street. So. to prove her point, Caroline mocks Danielle's dead-eyed children. (Um, Caroline? You sure you want to be talking about slow children? I mean, your kids kind of look like they got beat about the head with an olive loaf.) Jacqueline thinks talking about other people's kids is crossing a line. Teresa claims she looked up some court documents and found out the true story of Danielle with all the gory details of her kidnapping, cocaine stash and gun running. The idea of Teresa hauling herself to a courthouse and flipping through microfiche looking for dirt on Danielle is mind-boggling. Does Teresa have an intern to do that stuff for her? What do you think she wore? Leopard print leggings and glitter shadow, duh. Jacqueline, bless her heart, understands that Danielle has a past, but have these people not watched The Sopranos? Do they not know about jailhouse conversions? Or at least the power of Feng Shui or How Facials Can Save Your Life? Jacqueline thinks people can change. Caroline gives her a look that clearly says, "I have disappoint." Teresa just cackles and tries not to flip over the table.

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Real Housewives of New Jersey

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