Real Housewives of New Jersey

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Fun with Meat

Over at IMG, Christine has landed the cover of The Daily with a big banner "Who's That Girl?" and a five-page spread inside. Ivan Bart, who is apparently a demi-god who accepts live offerings of Calvin Klein suits at noon and five daily, thinks Christine could be really big and wants to book her in a fashion show. He then remembers to include Danielle, lest she kidnap him and use him for target practice. He thinks she is a really good mom (?) and then asks if she would be okay going to Milan with Christine. Danielle wets her pants right then and there. Thank god, IMG has interns to clean up the puddle.

Over at Jacqueline's house, Caroline, Dina and Teresa are all over talking 'bout birthing babies. Albie, of course, popped out full-grown with a bottle of Dep in his hands and an Ed Hardy shirt on his back, but the rest of the ladies have cankle horror stories to contribute to the conversation.

Danielle wants to have a congratulatory luncheon for Christine. Why not make the mood especially celebratory by inviting some people who hate her? Okay, maybe not Caroline, but Dina and Jacqueline are both on the list. Dina apparently texted Danielle to congratulate her on Christine's success, so the call to invite her wasn't totally out of the blue. Of course, Dina has some social obligations, so put her down as a "maybe." Danielle calls Jacqueline, who gives her the biggest, wishy-washiest no ever. Basically, the hunk of salami she calls Chris is on an anti-Danielle bender, and Jacqueline doesn't want to risk inflaming him and making him get off the couch or something by dining with Danielle. But she can't lie either, so she just ends up making Danielle feel all kinds of awkward with her long rambling "no." At least Dina lies perfunctorily.

Over at Teresa's, she is lazily making Joe make his own dinner after he worked all day to keep her in granite and boudoir slippers. Teresa gets a phone call, and it's the PR Agency, who is looking to get a little extra publicity by booking Teresa's midget model for Fashion Week. Teresa tries to impress upon Joe the magnitude of this success, but Joe is too busy chopping garlic to be impressed. So she waddles upstairs to tell Gia, who lets out an ear-splitting scream and starts working her elementary school mojo all over her princess pink bedroom. Please for the love of God, stop shaking it, Gia.

Danielle is happily hosting her first luncheon in a long time. She made sure to invite as many of her "close friends" as possible, including the shop owner Kim D., who giddily badmouthed her at Caroline's sheriff fundraiser. Dina pops up to add that although Danielle was advertising the event as for her closest friends, rumor has it that the servantless Franklin Lakes ladies who were at the grocery store were also scoring invites. Danielle toasts her daughter's success, unveils the photo spread, and everyone eats some mozzarella and anemic tomatoes and pretends to be friendly. Danielle makes sure to point out that Jacqueline and Dina are not there to fete her daughter, which has got to be awkward for her "close friends." Kim D. and Kim G. both pinkyswear their allegiance to Danielle, and she manages not to stabby-stab anyone. All around, a very successful luncheon. Although the lack of ham throwing was kind of disappointing.

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Real Housewives of New Jersey




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