Real Housewives of New Jersey
Get to the Punta!

Episode Report Card
Lady Lola: D | Grade It Now!
Quit Yer Beachin'!

The gang arrive at the airport, and Teresa is immediately stressed out because the airline lost one of her 45 bags. Wow, I hope the rest of the trip is this riveting. Teresa actually calls her mother and asks her to send a prayer to St. Anthony over it. Says Joe, "Don't waste a prayer!" That may be the first time I've agreed with Joe Gorga. They hang up, and the brigade of cars pulls over because Juicy has to pee and can't hold it for the 15 minutes it will take to get to the resort. When he gets out of the car, he finds he's not alone as nearly all the men jump out and wade into the waist-high grass to give the Punta Cana soil a proper greeting. Even Melissa is embarrassed by this display. When the woman who wears a Yeti coat is embarrassed of you, you got issues.

A bit later, they arrive at the resort. Caroline explains they've divided the families into three villas: One for the kids, one for the Gorgas and Wakiles, and one for the Giudice, Manzo, and Laurita clans. It's definitely for the best because Teresa and Joe have already been making snide comments at each other since minute one. Also making snide comments is Juicy, who's disappointed that he won't be getting tons of ass since Teresa is on her period. Thanks for that piece of information, show.

Things are happier at the kids' villa. Albie hopes the trip will bring him, Christopher, and Lauren closer together. Then Greg arrives and things are positively gay -- as in the 1920s definition... but also as in the more recent version because home boy gets an Evita reference in within the first five minutes.

Back in the grown-ups' villas (I use the term "grown-up" extremely loosely), everyone talks about getting along and being back in Punta Cana for the seven trillionth time. Juicy says he just wants Joe to be respectful, because he might hurt "the little guy." Like you're Vince Vaughn over here, Juicy? Jacqueline doesn't understand Juicy's attitude after hearing Gia's "disturbing" song. She thinks he should want to put an end to the family feud. In her villa, Melissa also says she hopes things turn a corner. Richie says pessimistically, "Sometimes you turn a corner, and there's a big-ass surprise waiting for you."

The next day, the Manzo kids and Greg have arranged a catamaran trip for the group. Because when half of the people on a trip actively hate each other, the best place to contain them all is on a boat stuck out at sea, obvs. For the boat ride, Teresa has opted to dress like a waitress at Scores, but sluttier. She models it for everyone unsolicited, which is giving them a head start on the nausea they'll be feeling all day long thanks to the rocking of the boat. Caroline, meanwhile, has an excruciating migraine and jokes that it's going to take an alcoholic's share of drinks to get through the day. She grimaces at Teresa, who scampers off to change into her second bikini. The minute she's out of earshot, Albert says matter-of-factly, "That didn't even look like a bathing suit, it looked like a stripper's outfit."

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Real Housewives of New Jersey




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