Real Housewives of New Jersey
Get to the Punta!

Episode Report Card
Lady Lola: D | Grade It Now!
Quit Yer Beachin'!

Teresa trots back in wearing a sea foam sequined number, saying this is her mermaid look. Lauren, who is also menstruating, adopts Caroline's sour mug, interviewing "Who wants to be around that, especially on the first day of their period?" Teresa presents one more outfit, a one-piece in many hues of blue with cut outs on the side. She shrieks, "See, look, Caroline! I match with the water! I need my hat!" At this point, Caroline is cupping her face in her hands miserably. Frankly, I'm surprised it took a migraine to get her to this point. I would have been there years ago. Jacqueline is also not feeling the love for Teresa's impromptu swimsuit runway show, though she does admit she wishes she had Teresa's pert little tush. Oh, and by the way, you didn't think we were done did you? Teresa lied and skips out in yet another bikini (the purple-blue version of the mermaid bikini), prompting Chris to give a pretty awesome "FML" face. Teresa asks shrilly, "Which one, guys?" Chris and Caroline shout out "Mermaid! Mermaid!" just so Teresa will leave them alone already. Teresa goes back into the bedroom to change, so Greg takes the opportunity to stir the pot, saying, "Melissa's bathing suit will be awesome, and [Teresa] knows that." He announces, "I have a total girl crush on Melissa Gorga."

We join the morning in progress at the Gorga-Wakile villa. And, I must say, Greg is overselling Melissa's bathing suit selection. It's a white one-piece bikini with criss-cross lacing down the front. Nothing special. We also learn Joe also got the pert ass gene in the family as we are give a crack shot as Joe and Rich get massages. She dances around behind them all sexy-like, which must be totally relaxing. Everyone wants a pole dancer prancing around while their trying to wind down, right? And Rich tells her to stop because he's getting a hard-on. With that little (pun intended) overshare, and how incredibly boring the rest of the episode has been, I think it's safe to declare this the worst RHoNJ episode of all time.

Back at the other villa, Teresa is still clacking around in her stripper heels and bitching that her suitcase hasn't arrived, and Caroline is one lunge away from cutting a bitch. She tells Albert to go on the boat ride without her and won't accept any negotiation because her one goal in life right now is to get everyone out of the house. She gets her wish, punctuated with a slam of the door as Teresa and Juicy leave.

As the various factions board the boat, Teresa and Melissa stage a sexy-pose-off in front of their respective cameras. Kathy says, "Everyone knows there can only be one Punta Princess. Looks like it's gonna be a fierce competition." Once they're all aboard, Jacqueline officially takes herself out of the running as she wraps herself in a cover-up and nearly refuses to sit next to Melissa because of her insecurities. Unfortunately, Juicy doesn't share them as he's converted his swim trunks into a practical banana hammock by scrunching them up to his junk. Teresa sits on the other side of Jacqueline and greases herself up with tanning lotion. Pasty Jacqueline says she felt like "the stuffing in the middle of an Oreo. You know what I'm saying? The Double Stuf one?" Back in the room, Caroline is sleeping. She interviews that she hopes the sun, sequins, and surf will "put a haze" on Teresa and Melissa so they'll get along.

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Real Housewives of New Jersey




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