Real Housewives of New Jersey
Get to the Punta!

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Lady Lola: D | Grade It Now!
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Quit Yer Beachin'!

Back to the boat, it doesn't seem that haze has fully taken effect yet. They're not fighting (yet), but they are having a passive-aggressive dance battle, backing it up to their husbands like seasoned warrior-hookers. That little upstart Greg suggests a dance-off and fawns all over Melissa and Joe for, like, 17 hours, declaring them "The hottest couple in the world" over and over and over again. For her part, Teresa says she's "feeling super-sexy" and dismisses the notion that there's any competition between her and Melissa. Which is to say that Melissa is no competition -- not that Teresa isn't competing. Because she is. And it is on.

Albie introduces a game called "Cucaracha," wherein a little wind-up cockroach skitters around the deck. Whoever it stops in front of has to take a shot. If it hits the bottle (which is sitting on the floor of the boat), everyone has to take a shot. Because nothing makes a better combination than volatile personalities, a churning ocean, and insta-drunkenness! At one point, the cucaracha lands near Juicy. Kathy says, "I don't get that whole 'Juicy' thing. What's so juicy about him? Honestly, seems a little dried up to me." How she can say that while looking head-on at his luscious man teats is beyond me. Those things look like they are brimming with juice.

The guys announce that they're going to have a cock fight in the water, prompting Rich to make a dig at Juicy's teeny wienie. Teresa takes offense and starts defending her husband's dick, pointing to their four children and telling Rich it's "very active." This episode is trying to kill me. Melissa jokingly points and says emphatically, "They want that to be known!" Teresa rightly points out that pot-kettle remark coming from the most overtly sexual wife in the group. It passes over relatively smoothly -- somehow -- and the guys jump into the water for their cock fight. Unfortunately, it involves Joe Gorga on the shoulders of Christopher and Juicy on the shoulders of Greg. Not quite the sexy good times that were advertised. And in case you hadn't vomited 14 times this episode already, we get a full ass-shot from Joe Gorga as he dives into the water with his shorts down.

Bonus footage: Juicy does push-ups with Greg standing on his back, then Jacqueline. Proving himself to be the consummate gentleman, he snarks, "She weighs more than [Greg]." Nice.

Back to the action (or lack thereof), the gang gets off the boat for a beach dinner. They head to the bathroom to change, giving Christopher the opportunity to make butt sex jokes and Joe the chance to proposition Melissa for a public restroom quickie. I don't know which of those was grosser, honestly. Melissa tells him, "It's not that kind of a day," but he insists on following her into the stall of the women's bathroom. As luck would have it, there's a porthole window looking into this particular stall, so the Manzo kids and Greg get their rocks off looking at Joe's junk. They joke about how small it is, and Joe screams out, "You've got the wrong Joe."

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Real Housewives of New Jersey

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